my best friend’s wife is pregnant with my husband’s sperm

yes it’s true. and i am coming out of semi-blog-retirement just to write tha title. and while i’m at it i might as well say a few other things on the topic. maybe in the interest of clarification. so yes my best friend, well i am not her best friend but she is my closest confidante by far and so that makes her, in my book, MY best friend. her wife, partner, girlfriend, woman, lady, better half, main squeeze whatever you want to call her is in fact pregnant. very, very pregnant. due in less than a month. and the sperm that she was inseminated with is that of my husband’s.

what’s more is that i had a dream last night about this situation. and so it’s got me thinkin’. in fact my mind is aswirl with thoughts like, “so does that make us family?” i mean we are planning for our kids to grow up knowing that the baby in question was created with their dad’s sperm. WE won’t call them half-siblings of course but somebody else might. and so does that make us family? technically?

it’s kind of a kooky situation although not as kooky as the summer of 2006 when the pregnant lady in question and i were BOTH trying to get pregnant with the same sperm. incidentally you can read their blog at dosmamas. they need some nicknames here. at once really. the blog is my friend’s and she calls herself charlotte. but i can’t call her that because for me that is the name of my baby who died at 23 weeks. hmm. i’ll get back to that later.

so in the dream last night their baby was born and she looked EXACTLY like my babykate. needless to say, that was freaky. i think we are all pretty hopeful that the baby will not come out looking a lot like Rocket Man or any of our kids. but our son resembles their son already and so maybe it won’t be such a big deal but still. the dream baby looked exactly like our daughter. then there was a weird conversation where my friend and i were discussing the virtues of naps. we were disagreeing about the importance of napping in the crib versus napping out and about. i was feeling disapproving of the plan to let the baby nap on the fly. yikes. hey it’s my subconscious talking there, dont blame me.

so the dream has got me thinking as i said. the babymamas have gracious and generously invited me to the birth. my friend, i will call her C., instead of charlotte until i think of something better, was with me when i delivered my charlotte and my babykate. i am HONORED to be invited. i’ve been thinking about whether or not i should go. after this dream, i think maybe not. thing is, i don’t want to feel an ESPECIALLY strong connection to this child. i know i’ll feel connected because she is their daughter and we are the best of friends. i dont know if i’ll feel connected because she was conceived using my husband’s sperm. i dont want to. being at the birth will likely increase my feelings of connection to her and i dont want to mix that up with the sperm donor thing. it’s complicated.

then i was also thinking about how Rocket Man will, technically, have another offspring. biological child, product of his sperm donation, offspring? whatever you want to call it. (what do you call it?) that’s kind of weird. i wonder what that feels like for him. maybe i’ll ask him if i can get a word in between interruptions from our kids and his 24/7 work demands. i am guessing it isn’t weird for him.

the whole situation has seemed strangely not strange. now it is hitting a little closer to home. likely because of the dream. which is likely because of the upcoming birth. my subconscious can’t be expected to differentiate between my husband being a sperm donor and my husband having another child with my best friend’s wife. NOBODY FREAK OUT. I DO NOT CONSIDER THEIR BABY TO BE HIS CHILD OR OUR CHILD OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. NO WAY, NO HOW. i know what makes a parent a parent and it is NOT, NOT, NOT handing over a juice glass full of sperm (okay not FULL of sperm, of course not full.  he’s Rocket Man, not fucking Superman).  i’m just saying that my subconscious might be working some shit out in my dreams, possibly calling to my attention an event that i really haven’t given a whole lot of thought to. i mean i’ve thought about it but not as much as one might think.

now that i’ve dug myself into a semantic hole, what more can i say? it’ll be interesting. i always have this to fall back. when we were deciding to do this, Rocket Man said something that solidified our decision. he said something like, “i think of it as another way to experience life.” so when the kids are old enough to really understand the situation, we will have that statement to remind us what we were thinking. that and more importantly that our friends needed sperm, we had some good stuff, and we didn’t mind sharing. we know full well that being a parent is like i said not about handing over some jiz.

but being a biological parent? i guess time will tell what that is about. am i not supposed to say biological parent? we wont think of RM as a bio parent. he’s the sperm donor. bio parent is the term that is used for C.’s partner, S., right? but in order for me to really process the situation i need to be able to write in black and white that technically RM is the biological parent, biological father of this child. technically, he will have produced four children, offspring, whatever. (well 5 if we count charlotte, and 8 if we count my 2 miscarriages and S’s one.) four living children, offspring, whatever. but i can almost hear C. gasping. because he is the SPERM DONOR. that’s what he is. i know that. their baby is in no way RM’s child. except in the way of biology. the language of child, parent, father is all wrong. i know that too.

i think what is happening here is that i was surprisingly at ease with S’s pregnancy. the fact that RM’s sperm was used seemed to be a mere technicality. the impending birth guarantees that the situation is about to get more real. and so i’m processing. apparently.

~ by complicatedmama on April 6, 2008.

18 Responses to “my best friend’s wife is pregnant with my husband’s sperm”

  1. That’s a great title and a neat situation. You seem to have things quite under control. Hope all is well with you! Miss you!

  2. I read Dos Mamas so was aware of your relationship. I’ve wondered about the complicated feelings that you and RM may or may not have and wanted to send you a note of support for making such a selfless donation to help your best friends achieve their dreams. My brother was going to be a donor for my partner and I before we decided against it and he compared it to donating any other organ. he said if we were in need of a kidney he’d give that so why should this be any different. I just think it’s neat and am grateful to the anonymous donor that helped us create the love of our lives! I hope that wherever the array of emotions take you it’s always down a positive path and enriches yours and your children’s lives in a way that you had never previously considered.

  3. for what its worth i think what you and your husband did for S and C is beyond awesome. To help wonderful people to have wonderful children is such an amazing gift. I hope that you and RM continue to have such a good relationship with C, S, smarty and the new baby. I wish you all the best processing what this means for your family and yourself :)

  4. Damn, your life is WAY more interesting than mine these days! Wishing everyone the best of luck in the coming months.

  5. all i kept thinking as i was reading was: WOW.
    i am about 18 months away from potentially starting ttc. potentially as a single mom. potentially with my best friend’s swimmers. potentially with his being involved and ~maybe~ even in a co-parent role. it is not the same, as he is gay and therefore, not the parent to any other children out there. but sometimes i wonder what life will be like. it is super-easy to tell him today that i am absolutely OK with him being involved in my child’s life, and maybe even very much potentially OK with him being a father to this child, albeit a long-distance one.

    you have processed a lot of things for me here, and i expect i will come back and read and maybe copy this somewhere to save.

    thank goodness your subconscious is doing the processing as you have had enough on your plate to process in conscious time!!!

    today i am pissed as worpress is being a queen biotch and inhaled a post i wrote about some wacky dreams i have had i the last two nights. they were swell!!! maybe i will try again.

  6. hmmmmmmm. interesting situation. you are analying the situation and chewing on it as you are known to do. you are obviously family in spirit and the biological connection is actually very special. maybe focus on that. . . like any family, you will be close and not so at times. . . for now, do what feels right for you, that is all you can really control. and as close as the parents are, I’m sure they will love you as always.

  7. What a faboulous thing to do for people who you care about. My wife and I used an anonymous donor, but have some connection with other parents who used the same donor & I wonder sometimes if our kids will feel some sort of “special” connection or kinship with these kids who share a little bit of their biology — ultimatly it is out of our control and whatever develops will be what it is. But I do want to say that being able to pass such a wonderful gift – the raw materials needed to build a family – to these friends of yours is something amazing & wonderful.

  8. I’m way behind on my blog reading, and just saw C’s post, which led me back to you. I am single and TTC, and am using the semen of my best girlfriend’s husband. We were all fine with it, and then I actually got pregnant after a year of trying with his swimmers. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 11w3d. However, in the time that I was pregnant, it was like my friend and I both came to the realization that even though we were all “good” with the situation in a cerebral sense, it was a completely different thing now that there was going to be an actual Baby. That now there was going to be a real person who would be my child, but who would undeniably also be the offspring of her husband… even though he would never be called “daddy”.

    And we are a super-close trio, this couple and I. We consider each other family; I have keys to their house; I was the only one they allowed to be there when their daughter (my goddaughter) was born; I am a confidante to each of them; I know the marital secrets that are usually kept from the rest of the world. I guess I said all that to impress the point that, if people as close as we are had a few moments of weirdness, of having to work out some emotions about the reality of the situation, then it’s completely normal for YOU to have some things to work out in your head.

    From my point of view, I suddenly wanted to try to put a little distance between us. I think I panicked, and somehow felt selfish in that I didn’t want them to think that this baby was “theirs” in any sense other than that it would be their godchild. And yet, I felt like a hypocrite because I am such a part of their lives and the life their daughter.

    And there was something weird that happened, which is that I developed a small crush on my male friend/donor. Even though we’ve been friends for over a decade, and I don’t think there’s enough tequila in the world for me to seriously think of him as anything other than a “brother”, when I got pregnant I had some unexpected feelings pop up. I was pregnant, and half of my baby’s genes came from him. For some reason, that equated to very new feelings of sexual & emotional attraction to him, the “father” of my child. It was confusing for a bit!!!

    And of course there was the issue of their daughter and my offspring. I was of the mindset that they would be like “cousins”, which is how they would be raised if I’d gotten pregnant by miscellaneous stranger X. My girlfriend, though, was truly excited by the thought of her daughter having a brother or sister born from me. While I don’t deny that they would, technically, be half-siblings, that was not really the relationship that would be— I don’t know. Appropriate? Comfortable?

    Some of those feelings resolved themselves and passed. Other issues we never really had to tackle, because I miscarried before we got into them. So I don’t really have any answers. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone; you’re not the only who’s been in this kind of situation.

  9. thank you for providing me the opportunity to see this situation from the other side.

    i know, more than anyone, that it is healing to get thoughts and emotions out on paper… as you are, do whatever works best for you. no one can ever judge you for that.

    once again, thank you.

  10. All I can offer is that it takes much love and compassion to make a baby especially the way you and your husband did with C and her wife.

    One thing for sure is this baby will be well loved by all.

  11. Thanks so much for writing your thoughts out here. It helps to hear everything ‘from the other side,’ as our family is in a very similar situation. I often think about how I would feel if my partners, or my own, eggs were donated to someone I knew. What would I think when I looked at her/him? I’m sure on some level I would think ‘that’s my daughter/son,’ even though I would also understand that I was not a ‘mother’ to that same child.

  12. my bestest friends in the world gave sperm to their very good (best?) lesbian friends (both of em) 20 and 17 years ago now. The boys grew up with the girls that my bestest friends had 19 and 14 years ago. When we were considering getting pregnant i talked to my bestest friends about it alot. I have always thought that the relationships and situation was fantastic. I still do. Those boys have grown up knowing where their biology comes from. They are also clear that they have two parents and these aren’t the same as their biology. The children all know and love each other and all parties admit to special and real connections with each others children cause not only do they share biology they have grown up, looked out for, been babysitted by, shared birthdays and everyday stuff with each other and their kids. When I asked them about it both my friends (the donor and his wife) admitted that they had no idea how complicated a journey they were entering into before they started but they also thought it was one of the best things they have ever done. The bloke has never been referred to as a ‘father’ by the boys – at least not in the hearing of any of the adults! – but interestingly as the children grew into teenagers they have choosen themselves to refer to each other as ‘half-brother and sisters’. This certainly was not at the urging of any of their parents. BUT I think that because it evolved over time and because everyone was clear and comfy in their roles and relationships when it happened it was okay for everyone.

    I guess what I am trying to say is it is okay to feel connected to this child (and her brother) because they are connected to your children in a special way. And that if you keep on keeping on thinking and loving and being as respectful and caring as you are now – acknowleding all of your feelings and others – as your partner says it will be an experience!

  13. My close friend donated eggs to me. Her DS is the same age as my DS, and we have told them both about it, in a way they can understand (they’re 5)

    Now I have new twins, and we’re also waiting to see how things turn out.

  14. Hey there – am I the only one wondering how it is going for you now that the Chicky is here – and pretty bloody cute too? Is it okay for you?

  15. Hi, I am go through this right now!!! My hubby is going to donate to my best friend, I feel kind of weird, but happy at the same time and don’t know what to tell my little one. Would you mind emailing me. It would be nice to have someone to talk too.

    Thanks!

  16. It really sounds like a lot of you folks haven’t really thought things through.

    You are not just assuming biology doesn’t matter, you are assuming that the men involved think biology doesn’t matter. That they don’t have a tiny kernal in the back of their mind that thinks “blood is blood”.

    Clearly some people think this way. Some mothers are depressed after they put a child up for adoption, and desperately want to track him down. Some fathers fight for custody of kids they have never seen. Neither had a chance to get to know the kid and play the parent role. They are connected to the kid by nothing but for genetics. If you were friends with a gay male couple, would you be willing to have a baby with the sperm of one of them, and hand the kid to them?

    Do you think your husband can remain detached when he knows the kid is biologically his, the kid might look like him, and he will see these kids regularly? Many men could. Many men couldn’t.

    Of course, him getting attached isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you buy the “it takes a village” theory having someone else who cares about the kid could be good.

    It troubles me you “presume” your husband doesn’t feel weird about this. You didn’t talk to him about this first?!

  17. Hi I love this story, really hope that things worked out in the end for everyone involved! I’m actually a writer for a news agency in the UK that writes for all the women’s weekly magazines and came across this post…if you’d be interested in talking to me about the possibility of an article I’d love to tell you more about what we do here and give you a bit more information! My e-mail is kellyknight99@yahoo.co.uk if you’ve got any questions whatsoever, I look forward to hearing from you! Nelly Kite x

  18. I love the story and love reading other similar stories. Long time friends of mine have been married 7 years only started trying in the last 3 years to get pregnant. 4 months ago they approached me about “helping out”. I of course said yes but have not told them I had a vasectomy after my and my ex-wifes last child. When she is ovulating I spend the night for that week and make out with her 1 or 2 times a day, sometimes he does her right before or right after me.

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