turns out this post is about… deadbabyashes

argh. why is it so hard to get a baby to sleep? i’m on my 3rd baby and it’s still hard. and believe me i’ve studied the problem. books, sleep consultants, actual BAR-GRAPHING of naps. i even tried to boot-camp my eight-week-old daughter. you’d think i’d be a pro. alas.

it’s time to get blogging again i guess. i’d like to TRY to post much more frequently but that means i’ll have to somehow ease the pressure of putting up good posts. minimal pressure to be witty or to punctuate might help me get it done. it will also help if i spend some of my blog-reading time writing.

i’ve been reading lots of blogs still. i check in on catherine, rosepetal, erin, sarah, anno di consolation, dosmamas of course, bri, jennifer, delphi, infertilepediatrician, amy, and many others. oh and meg at the para.graph. can’t forget her.

i read, sometimes i react, occasionally i respond, i process.

after finding meg’s blog and reading of the heartbreaking loss of her baby girl, i had a BIG process around LC, oh fuck it, her name is, was, is? Little Charlotte. the baby that i delivered at 22 weeks, 5 days.

i have lots of unfinished business there, not the least of which is that her ashes are still in my kitchen cabinet. in december it wil be two years. it doesnt seem possible that it could be two years. the white plastic container sits up high right next to the container that holds her brother, the deadbabydisaster that followed LC, six months later. it was exactly six months later, a half hour short of SIX MONTHS TO THE HOUR. god what a shit time that was. i dont know why the six month thing seems noteworthy to me. its kind of 666’ish or maybe it feels like an astrological event. a pie-shaped year sliced right down the middle. my half fucking sucked. weird that it was half of the calendar too. december 30th and june 30th.

movin’ on.

it’s time to do something with both of their ashes. now that i have my baby that lived it seems possible to direct some energy there. now i can face it. i think. yes i can, of course i can and i will.

there is a large creek that runs very close to my house. a while back, i was walking on the path and came across a bench that holds a plaque that says, “In memory of all the children that have gone too soon.” Of course i was like “woah. that’s some shit.” Many months later, just recently in fact, i noticed a path behind the bench and i followed it. i came to a clearing (i sound like fucking goldilocks here) overlooking the creek. there were four large boulders with plaques on them. the plaques bear names. many many names of children. and their birthdays. and death days.

i’m stil playing phone tag with a member of the sponsoring organization but i think that little charlotte will soon have a better resting place. if we can’t put her name on a plaque, next time they do a plaque, if there even will be a next time, i guess that’s fine. but i think i will scatter her ashes there. in the creek. is it wrong to put them in the creek? CERTAINLY nobody is drinking from this creek but still?

for a while i thought i’d scatter her ashes, and her brother’s, poor little guy i keep forgetting him, in the ocean. i shouldnt say scatter. i mean throw them and hope a stiff wind doesnt whip them back into my face. i guess at the ocean i would’ve dumped them out onto the sand near the water’s edge and let the waves lap them up. that would’ve been better than trying to drop them or throw them into the water.

but the ocean seems too big. i was there today. yep, still too big. i read once that the ocean doesn’t have any memory. the creek is better. the backyard under a tree…? in my yard, yeahhhh… i dont think so.

so i think i found a home for my babies. (lump in throat) ugh.

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~ by complicatedmama on October 23, 2007.

4 Responses to “turns out this post is about… deadbabyashes”

  1. i was and still am totally shocked at how attached i am to her ashes. the day husband picked them up was the day before my sister’s wedding, so he decided to *wait* to tell me…and couldn’t get them in the house without me seeing…and left them (her?) in the garage. I WAS SO UPSET!! i was shocked to be that upset.

    i don’t know how to stop feeling like those ashes are HER. i can’t let go yet.

  2. So glad to hear from you! I hope baby is doing well. It sounds like you have found the “perfect” resting place for baby ashes. I hope it all brings you some measure of peace. {{{hugs}}}

  3. I think that is a beautiful place for your babies to rest. I hope you can get the plaques. Good to hear from you again, too.

  4. Sounds like a wonderful place to place you babie to rest. Glad to see you are writing again.

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