self-loathing

In an effort to keep up the posting, I wil throw some shit on the page here.  Today, Monday, I feel like a piece of crap.  I had, on paper, a really fun weekend, for a change.  We went to a great party on friday night and hung out with many people that i’ve recently met and want desperately to spend more time with.  I even met some really great new people.  I partied with some people I really wanted to connect with.  Good times, right?

And yesterday we spent the afternoon with a group of old, old friends and our 10 children.  4 couples, 10 kids.  Somehow the kids did great.  Not even a single scuffle.  I digress.

You’d think I would feel all filled up inside after a weekend of old and new friends.  So what the hell is my fucking problem then?

Self-loathing.  Seriously whenever I wake up after a night out with friends, I have to analyze.  I ruthlessly go over things I did and said and find fault with as many things as possible.  Its like I am determined to make myself feel like shit about something.  It’s weird.

This self-bashing makes me feel like a lump of shit.  I can easily see how it contributes to the cycle of substance abuse.  When I am in substance mode ( i’m not right now), it’s partly because I need a break from the beating I am giving myself about doing it in the first place.  My thoughts are muddled.  I hope nobody bashes me here.  It was really only a night of drinking and two hits of some seriously kind bud.  The baby got bottled breastmilk until several hours later.  I pumped and dumped.

What am I saying?  I feel really dumb today and boring.  What the fuck?  I really want to socialize with people, especially new people.  (Rocket Man and I have been in the market for some new friends for quite some time now, okay a LONG time.)  And I did.  At a great party.  So wtf?

I am surprised by how mean I am to myself.  Once I tune in to the self-talk it’s a little shocking.  It’s like when I realized that I take everything personally (duh).  I was genuinely surprised.  But then wow did I see myself in a different light.  It’s also like when I realized how much pressure about put on myself about my parenting, specifically the dialogue that goes on in my head.  There’s an entire committee of assholes in there.

Also, I hate being one of those couples that barely talks to each other in the car.  It’s not as bad as not talking in a restaurant but it’s close.  It depresses me so thoroughly and makes me feel discouraged about the future.  On this front lesbians have it really good, right?  Two chicks, talking, all the time?  Sounds not lonely.

what a shitty post

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~ by complicatedmama on October 29, 2007.

11 Responses to “self-loathing”

  1. I feel similarly, a lot of the time. And, as a big dyke? Yeah, we have lots of quiet time too. Most of the time I just embrace it and enjoy just being with my wife, or we’re ok just being quiet and staring into space or reading, but often? I feel like we should be….I don’t know…talking about dismantling the patriarchy or some other equally important bullshit.
    And then I realize that I think I’m just boring.

    I think it happens to everyone.

  2. Just rememeber everyone needs grown up time too. Should not talk to hard on yourself.

  3. Hey WTF, or should that be CM (which also stands for cervical mucus you know, so maybe I’ll stick with complicatedmama even though you are just WTF to me…). I just found your new blog and will update my blogroll.

  4. Hi. I know we already talked about this on the phone but I just wanted to add something: don’t loathe yourself for the self loathing! Do the thing where you talk to yourself as if you had oceans of compassion. Maybe we need to both institute some Stuart Smally affirmations? Anyway, I get it. You know I do. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.

    Also, this is all your mom’s fault. For the realz.

  5. OMG? You have resurfaced! I am catching up now…but let me comment on this. First of all I totally hear you about being silent in the car and hating it. Sometimes when we are chatty and I pass car after car of stoney silent people I think Wow thank god that is not us. And I feel a little Relationship Superiority. But then it seems when we are silent we pass car after car of couples are living it up and I feel like shit. I’ve come to realize that silence is okay, as long as it is just comfortable, happy-to-share-space silence and not the “I’ll show you how long I can hold a grudge” kind. Because I can do both.

  6. Just popping in to say I’m glad you’re writing again! I can’t really think of anything helpful to say other than TRY to be kind to yourself. We get so caught up in thinking about others, and how to be considerate of their feelings, that we forget to be kind to ourselves. Hugs!

  7. I was just thinking how much harsher we are on ourselves than others would be on us. Try not to be so harsh.

  8. It sucks to be so hard on yourself. I’m sorry that you do it to yourself, too. All I try to do is the best that I can do. Sounds stupid, but it’s harder than you’d think.

  9. About two hits of seriously kind bud and don’t bash you and pumping and dumping … that is as honest as I’ve seen on any blog I read in ages and ages and ages. No bashing here. Astonished and heartened and your frankness.

  10. holy shit…i love this post!! i just got done scrolling away as fast as possible from your latest post right above this one…since why the F would i want to read about what i should be doing right now…

    but THEN i start reading this post…i laughed out loud. my best girlfriend and i would spend hours after a night out discussing one thing: DID I DO/SAY ANYTHING STUPID? embrace it! it means you had a seriously fun night and the morning light has brought her judgement upon it. but what really happened? it was glorious self-abandonment…and we all need that, ESPECIALLY after kids!

    and LISTEN HERE: i pumped for triplets for a YEAR and NEVER pumped and dumped!! i actually read some research that said that the milk only contains alcohol as long as you feel drunk…that the milk in the ducts is not static…if that makes any sense? well, i hope you get the picture.

    tell that committee to shut the f*ck up.

    on the not talking in the car: i love not talking in the car. but even better are car fights! LOVE THOSE! (no, seriously, i do)…

    lesbians…not so much fun talking all the time. imagine not being able to escape the drama.

  11. thanks for putting me on your blogroll…about your night it’s been a seriously long time since I’ve gotten to have one like it and I’m JEALOUS but this post rang so true. one of the many many reasons I love being married is that I can plague my husbands with questions like, “did I say anything stupid?” the next morning.

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