she was dead

rocket man just left so now i can let the tears flow.  i just read some of ruby’s blog about how her 21 week old baby girl died in her arms.  heartbreaking.  ugh.

i never finished recounting the loss of our baby girl at 23 weeks and i am not going to now.  but i will say this.  she was dead.

she was supposed to be alive.  i felt her kicking shortly before she finally came out.  i KNOW she was alive.  i didn’t want my epidural problem straightened out because i wanted to feel her moving.  she was still kicking right up until the epidural got fixed.  i knew that she would die after she was born.  i thought she would be born.  alive.  but she was dead.

she was brown and dead.  i thought she would be pink and clinging to life.  or maybe pink and dead but she was brown.  when i saw her, i sobbed out a big, hysterical, “jesus christ.”

how did she get so dead so quickly?  she lasted through days of a hideous infection in her amniotic fluid only to die on her way outta there?

i wish that she had been alive.  i didn’t know that i wished that until i read meg’s blog a few weeks ago.  now that i’ve read ruby’s blog i know it for sure.  i always thought it would’ve been worse to watch her die and that it was easier that way.  whether or not that’s true, i still wish she’d been alive.

i held her and cradled her and examined her tiny, perfect body.  we sent her for a bath and she came back dressed in a shirt and hat.  we took pictures that came out awful.  we kept her overnight until it was time for her to go.  i dont remember finally giving her back, mercifully, because i was delirious from nearly dying the day before.

i feel like looking at her picture to remind myself that she existed.  but it hurts too much.

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~ by complicatedmama on November 7, 2007.

6 Responses to “she was dead”

  1. Oh gosh, this is a good entry, and I am unable to leave any meaningful comment at all. Unsure what I am sorrowful for exactly, but both moved and sorrowful upon reading this entry….

  2. This is a hard one. I have had it both ways (can’t believe I’m writing this and that’s the way my crap life turned out). But anyway, delivering a dead baby is different than delivering a baby that’s alive, but will soon die. I have had both of those experiences. Delivering a baby that is barely viable and the doctors are barking at you to make a decision, is different again. I know it all ends with a dead baby. Each way is hard. I don’t know which way is better? I guess it was better to be able to hold my twins and be with them as they passed. When the baby, who was sick, was stillborn, I was glad she had died in utero–because I knew she was suffering and I wanted that suffering to end. So it was a blessing to me that she had died a couple of days before. But I guess what I’m saying is that, there is no better way. It’s just what we’re given and trying to do the best we can in an unimaginable situation. Unfortunately, for us, not so hard to imagine anymore.

    And I find it really hard to look at the photos too.

  3. I’ve always wondered if it would have been better had she not been born alive. If it would have hurt less? Or maybe more? Would I still be carrying this around seven years later? I guess it doesn’t matter. It just was.

    My daughter was brown/dark red too. Because she was born so early that she didn’t have the pigmentation in her skin that gives it color yet. She was translucent and the color was the color of her muscles. From what I understood anyway.

    I’m so sorry about ALL of your losses but was ecstatic to read that your last baby girl was born healthy!

    By the way, thank you for your comment. I smiled out loud (yes, it can be done) to see your name on my page (yes, I have a life.) 😉

    Thank you for sharing this.

  4. just wanted to say i’m here and reading and i’m sorry

  5. I’m so, so sorry.

  6. My heart hurts every time I think of you having to endure the loss of LC,your little boy and bd#1. I know exactly where I was when I heard the news of each one of your losses. I’m here, reading your blog as one of your fans, listeners and virtual huggers and supporters.

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