L is for loser

i should have been posting but instead i was bingeing.  is that how you spell that?  i was on a binge that is.  fact is that historically on thanksgiving i have been known to step outside for a little toke with family and/or friends.  nice family tradition, huh?

it started back when i was in college and my crazy aunt came to town for turkey day and ended up snagging my one-hitter.  before that my older sister and i used to snag a bottle of wine, hopefully without a cork, and gag it down so we could catch a buzz.  one time we played a drinking game and we drank, out of green tupperware cups, everytime madonna said “papa dont preach.”  then we listened to our old 45 records.  i think we started doing this when i was about 14 or so.  one time we got my grandma tipsy and she pounded on the table with us and chanted, “burn the stuffing.  burn the stuffing.”  i like my stuffing with a crisp outside you see.  Things in my family are a little strange.

Anyway I have been battling addiction since the first time I realized that my substance abuse was a problem.  I cant even remember when that was.  If I don’t have any substances (read marij*ana) in my house then there is no problem.  But if its in my house then I cant seem to resist it.  I’ve been down this road many times and it has always ended with me dumping my bit of mj in the toilet or out the window or in a lake or off a deck.  I’m talking about not even enough to fill up one side of a contact lens case.  Even a packed one hitter can cause me trouble.

Is anybody with me here or am I talking a foreign language?  and now are you thinking of calling the authorities.  Let me be clear: this has NEVER been a problem when I was pregnant six times.  I waited until my son weaned himself at 11 months to imbibe.  With my first daughter, I might have slit my wrists if I didn’t go there every now and then.  I am fairly serious about that.  She screamed for the first seven months of her life.

I am losing my nerve to even post this.  I am afraid of the judgment that may be coming.  I can rest assured that nobody judges more harshly than i do. That is part of the vicious circle.  Anyway, after thanksgiving’s festivities I had some leftovers so when rocket man was away on Tuesday and Wednesday night I did not resist the siren song.  I feel happier when I have smoked a little.  I am creative.  During deadbabysummer, I decorated the kids rooms and put lots of pictures up in the house.  I planted a dahlia garden.  I get ideas when I am high.  I need a note pad.  There aren’t all good ideas still the next day but some of them are.  I should be on some sort of real meds. I’ve tried it before.  I lost ALL of my appetite and had little lightning storms in my brain but I felt good enough to go off the meds and try to conceive our second child.

So this time around, after two post-thanksgiving nights, I gave it back to my neighbor this morning.  And now I am free.

It always goes like that. When I first get a smidge of bud I am creative and happier but then after a day or two or three I am over it.  Bottom line is that I cant stand the self abuse that follows.  This process used to take years or months or weeks but I’ve got it down to a few days.

The self abuse is deserved I know.  I am nursing a baby.  I try to work around it and pump and dump or give her a bottle or wait several hours but still.  The research doesn’t show any ill effects, actually some positive ones, but there isn’t much research naturally.  And I am talking about one or two tokes from a one-hitter.  But still.  I will be afraid to check back later for comments.  I didn’t want to post anything else because I was busy with this mental process and couldn’t post abut anything else.  And I couldn’t post about this.

But I just did.

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~ by complicatedmama on November 29, 2007.

18 Responses to “L is for loser”

  1. Fuck those who judge. Funny you should post this today. Check out this article on a related subject:

    http://www.babble.com/content/articles/columns/badparent/008/index.aspx

    I don’t drink, and am not on meds, but sometimes a hit or two makes all the difference in the world on dealing with infertility, and the m/c.

  2. that’s hilarious, I was just coming here to leave the link for that article, too.

    No judgement from me. I’ve been known to indulge in a bit now and then.

  3. Hi from a longtime reader, rare commenter.
    Just wanted to let you know that you’ll get no negative judgement from me: I totally relate to taking the occasional toke to keep one’s sanity.

  4. you are human. we all are.

  5. i don’t think any of us can claim perfection, much less parenting perfection. not everyone has a thing with substances, but everything has thing about *something*. it sounds to me like you are working pretty hard to effectively cope with it.

    oh, and your post made me laugh. i’m not sure if that was intentional humor or not but it was funny- especially the first part.

  6. This is why I no longer drink. One glass (or bottle) was never enough for me. I was the one who, at friends’ bachelorette parties, slide a flask of scotch into my vinyl pants in case 7 plus hours of drinks en masse wasn’t enough. And it wasn’t. Yeah and then I was the one who would go out ALONE in NYC after everyone else went home. As dorothy parker said, you don’t want to be the town drunk in a town as big as NYC. Anyway, I had to stop entirely because I have no self control and could never do what you do…have a little, stop for long periods of time, the whole on and off thing. what you do, I have a hard time seeing anything wrong with it. Pump and dump is legit. And it is all natural, for goodness sake. Its a freeking plant. I have been dying for a little joint since I was pregnant. But because of my own don’t-know-when-to-stop issues I just can’t keep it around me. At a friends or a party, fine. But my own stash, no way.

    And I wish we would all post the things we are afraid to post….that’s what really makes blogs interesting and real.

  7. No judgement here. We all have our vices; mine may be different from yours, but we’ve all got something.

  8. I work in CPS and the other day I was talking to a mom and asked her if she used any drugs. She said she didn’t, but joked that she should probably smoke mj once in a while (she has 4 kids under 5). I laughed with her, genuinely. When alcohol or mj is a problem, it’s a problem. But when it’s not, it’s not. I might feel differently if your one hitter was full of crack though 😉

  9. I know these feelings all too well. When I first got sober I thought my writing was over that I lost a beautifully intense and creative part of myself.

    Luckily, I was wrong. You are a good mother and a wonderful person. It doesn’t sound like there’s anything wrong here.

  10. It sounds as though you’ve got some good self-awareness going on, so that’s great.

    I have to say, when DP is on the MJ her fantastic ideas are actually FAR less fantastic than she thinks. She also has a history of alcohol & gambling abuse/addiction. She doesn’t do those things anymore, but has difficulty admitting to the problems.

  11. You know I really think that if it wasn’t ‘illegal’ you wouldn’t feel this guilt. In my eyes it’s no different than having a couple of glasses of wine or a cigarette to unwind. Admittedly some people run it to problems with MJ but then the same can be said of alcohol and cigarettes and ‘legal’ narcotics such as anti-depressants, sleeping pills etc. It sounds to me like you have control over what you do and are responsible in your actions. It took courage to write this post.

  12. L is also for LOVER, my dear.

    the only thing i have a problem about in this post is the fact that you are calling yourself a loser. i don’t buy it.
    you have obviously come to a comfortable place with it; you have self-knowledge and you act accordingly.
    i am totally pro-drugs when someone can use them appropriately.
    and on using and being mothers? we can’t let these little f*ckers (i say that lovingly, of course, and include my own, of course) steal away our sex. and when i say sex, i mean our very souls.

    which can happen if you’re not careful. and who needs a mother without a soul?

  13. I don’t have any problems with this at all. Of course, I live in a country where medical bud is legal and I think the laws are more relaxed in general. But even if I didn’t, I wouldn’t think it was such a big deal. I don’t see how this is really any different than a glass of wine.

  14. We all need little escapes now and then – mine is usually in liquid form. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your behavior in my book. Stop beating yourself up!

  15. my parents are both total hippies.

    ’nuff said.

  16. No judging here.

  17. you ‘re not a loser. i can totally relate and i hope you feel a little better reading all these comments!

  18. I chose not to toke until my kids were weened, but my best friend smoked 2 joints a day throughout her pregnancy (with her MD’s blessing, mind you) and nursing. Her son is a very bright, well-adjusted, very successful adult with children and a good marriage. RELAX and enjoy – without concern for anyone else’s judgment.

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