what a difference a year makes

one year ago i was sweating out the first trimester, petrified of losing another baby.

one year later, yesterday, my husband went shopping with our six-month-old baby girl.  he was carrying her in a baby bj*orn and he stepped aside to make room for a passing cart.  before he knew what happened she reached out her eager, curious, chubby baby hand and grabbed a bottle of pinot grigio.  rocket man was surprised to hear a bottle crash to the floor and he turned to question our three-year-old daughter.  a nearby shopper fingered the culprit.  who would’ve thought the smily urchin in the barf-coated baby bjorn could make such mischief?  busting a bottle of pinot grigio in the grocery store at the tender age of six months?  i dont know why it tickled me but it really did.  it could be this:  not only is she here, alive and well, but she is here and growing and thriving and grabbing shit off shelves.

what a difference a year makes.

lately i have been reading even more deadbabyblogs than usual.  i’ve been thinking about little charlotte more frequently than usual.  i’m not sure why.  the juxtaposition of live baby and dead babies really gives me something to think about.  on some level i think i am surprised that charlotte is still dead despite our having had a live baby.  doesnt make sense i know.

this sunday at 7 p.m., i will be lighting three candles, one for each of our deadbabies.  inspired by ashleigh at afterwards, i will light one for yours too.  (i want to put the compassionate friends worldwide candle lighting widget on my blog.  does anybody know how to do that?)

i lost my train of thought back there.  what is the connection between what a difference a year makes and the deadbabyblogs?  i know how different things are for me a year later and i am just so hopeful that the coming year will bring live babies to so many of you.  it seems like an eternity to wait i know.  its only looking back that it even seems possible.

how to get by in the meantime?  i used to cross days off the calendar.  it gave me a slight bit of satisfaction to mark those days off.  sometimes i’d forget and get to cross off three or four.   not very helpful i know.  day by day i guess, that’s how i got through.

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~ by complicatedmama on December 3, 2007.

6 Responses to “what a difference a year makes”

  1. Thank you, what a beautiful post to write. I hope that I can look back in a year and write the something similar.
    Your little girl sounds like a real character.

  2. She’s got good taste in wine. :o)

    I’ve been reading fewer deadbaby blogs. I just can’t do it right now because I’m stuck in my own deadbaby thoughts…there’s not much room for others. Weird.

  3. Your little one is hilarious!

    I will be lighting a candle for you this Sunday as well.

  4. I’ve immersed myself in the dead baby blogs. It’s where I’m at and I feel comforted by all the women who share my circumstances. A year does seem like a very long time. So. Very. Long. I hope what you hope…for me and for all the others. Your daughter, with the good taste in wine ;o), gives me hope.
    Your post is very beautiful indeed. Thank you.

  5. Thank you for writing this. It gives me a sense of hope- for while a year seems like an eternity looking from this end, I know it will fly by…..

  6. i know i’m an asshole, but i love reading that live babies don’t make the dead ones come back. i know i don’t want another baby, but i keep tempting fate…again, i’m an asshole. there’s just SO MUCH to wade through. time, please be my friend.

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