i am sitting at my kitchen/dining room table.  there is a squat little mason jar, you know the kind used for canning fruit, jam, etc.  it says on it “strawberry blueberry.”  there is salt in the jar now. the jam is long gone, although i recently opened another one that i found in my pantry.  this jam is from summer of 2006.  deadbabysummer.  not to be confused with deadbabychristmas.  deadbabysummer was six months after deadbabychristmas.  i was pregnant again.  10 weeks.  i was terrified.  i spent a day with women from my son’s preschool, learning how to make jam.  i shared my fears. i told part of charlotte’s story.  it felt good to be in the presence of these women, making jam and talking.  i didnt know it at the time that my baby was already dead.  turns out i didnt need to pick the gorgonzola out of my salad that day. turns out that, the day before when i was handpicking berries with my son from a farmer’s field, i could’ve eaten them without worry.  deadbabyjam day.


~ by complicatedmama on December 8, 2007.

6 Responses to “deadbabyjam”

  1. Isn’t it funny how something like a jar can bring back a flood of memories?

    I’m so sorry for your losses.

  2. How sad that our lives have to involve “deadbaby” anything. It pisses me off, in fact. Makes me feel cheated time and time again. I’m sorry for deadbabyjam day and for all your deadbaby days. I really am.

  3. it makes me so angry to think about that day…out shopping and fucking smiling at little baby girls waiting to go into labor. she was already dead, but i didn’t know yet. i really, really hate that day. i think i hate that day wayyyy more than i hate the moment that night when i found out.

  4. i remember that summer and you making that jam with those women.

  5. Too many reminders here too. Sometimes I get the urge to move house and get rid of everything to stop all those deadbaby reminders. Not really a practical solution but sometimes so tempting.

  6. post an update, woman.

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