the ghost of christmas past

that’s the title. now i just need to write the post. 2 years ago today i was 22 1/2 weeks pregnant, brewing an ungodly infection in my amniotic fluid. i had no idea. 2 years ago tomorrow is the day i got cold while i was eating my christmas goulash. i got really, really cold. after i finished convulsing with fever i went to the hospital. the next day, december 29th, is the day they told me i would have to deliver my perfectly healthy baby. that’s also the day of the 106.1 fever. strangely peaceful, once the convulsions stopped. the next day she was born. dead. but she had no shot anyway. the next day, new year’s eve, we reluctantly gave her back. that’s the same day i told my eager little boy “we already had her, bud. she’s gone. she died.” new year’s day, i left the hospital and my tiny daughter stayed behind, in the morgue. brutal how it comes right back.

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~ by complicatedmama on December 28, 2007.

5 Responses to “the ghost of christmas past”

  1. fuck. i remember those days, your fever, your hallucinations. so.fucking.brutal. And the storms. Jesus.H. it was apocalyptic. of course it is coming back to you right now. i love you.

  2. That is, simply, heartbreaking.

  3. Oh God, that’s just awful. It’s true, how fast it comes back sometimes when the anniversary is near.

    Thinking of you.

  4. this fucking shit will wait behind any miniscule idea of hope or peace to clock you right in the face. again. and again. i guess the years can make the hope or peace grow, but that shit is still there, waiting. i can’t believe this is my life (our lives). i can’t believe i sometimes like the pain more than the peace.

  5. complicated mama,
    i have no words for your grief and this anniversary. but i check back often and sit and read your words and cry tears for you and your babies… i guess i just wanted to post something to say: i am here.

    much love and peacefulness from me to your heart…

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