i hate this day

today sucks.  not just because of the anniversary of the waiting & godawful news day.  it would’ve been good to have some distraction, something, anything, to do. but instead i am waiting.  waiting for the day to end. i waited for yesterday and the day before to end also.  tomorrow looks the same.  you see we’ve been stuck in house for days and days, since before christmas.  the weather sucks. it’s cold and raining and has been for days.  babybear had an awful cold and then she passed it to monstergirl.  somebody passed it to me i guess although it looks different.  my whole body aches including my eyeballs, i have the shits, and i am freezing.  my right breast is out-of-commision because it tunrned out that poking my nipple with a needle was not such a good idea.  i hadnt mentioned that i poked it three or four times before it was ready.  OUCH.  it’s been hurting for a week and  i had to stop nursing with it yesterday and only pump.  rocketman has been working like crazy.  his notoriously unreliable brother was supposed to arrive yesterday around 2.  picture squirrelly kids waiting and asking all day when their uncle and aunt would arrive.  turns out he told us the wrong fucking day.  so after waiting all afternoon, he didnt come. and now today he wasnt even supposed to arrive until late but now his flight is cancelled.  so we’ll be home tomorrow also, doing nothing, feeling shitty and depressed.  guests would’ve changed the dynamic entirely.  instead we are home and the place is a mess and RM and i are both grumpy.  its one of those days where i can barely see anything good.  of course the kids are always a good thing but when i feel like an asshole of a parent then i just think about how we are fucking the kids up.  wake me when its new years eve.  hopefully i wont think too much about NYE two years ago, which was spent in the deadbabydungeon of the hospital.  actually wake me when….oh i dont know.

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~ by complicatedmama on December 29, 2007.

4 Responses to “i hate this day”

  1. I’m sorry, dude. Wish I could give you a hug.

  2. now isn’t that some shit. sometimes i sit here and wonder, too, how i’m fucking up my kids as i’ve already killed one.

    i also hate hate HATE telling the kids that so-and-so is coming over and then they’re late or don’t show up for whatever reason. WTF?? don’t these people know kids are relentless??? i usually end up putting on a movie, but then sit there the whole time, again, thinking it’s fucking them up.

    i would say i hope next year is better for all of us, but why bother? all we have is this moment anyway. and every annishitary will still be just as shittacular.

    ps- i really liked that eat/pray/love too. i think you are the one who suggested it, and for that (among other things, namely saying exactly what you think and cursing alot), i thank you.

  3. I wonder how badly I am screwing up my kids, too. I mean it’s just one more thing that wroughts us with guilt, as though we already didn’t feel enough, right?
    Company absolutely changes the dynamics. I hope yours showed up.

  4. I hope you are having a better day today. Either that or your sleeping till the New Year!
    C x

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