boob on the mend

i finally got the antibiotics going. my trusty midwife friend had a look at my breast and pronounced it to be infected but not especially worrisome. she said that the lumpiness is the infection and not the clog so i can lay off trying to pump, squeeze, soak, nurse, and fret it outta there. the teensy bits of stretchy goo coming out are apparently pus from the infection. she said that unlike my dear friend, with a nursing 5-month-old baby, the lump will not turn out to be stage 4 cancer and i will not have both breasts and all my lymph nodes removed by week’s end. that actually happened to her friend too. ___? lost for words back there.

she mentioned how these infections can turn into abscesses. yuck. she is confident that it will be fine. so movin’ on.

the party is a go. we were considering cancelling but that would’ve been too depressing. i cant wait another year to make some improved new year’s eve memories. hopefully i wont wake up lacerating myself with regrets about things i said or did and people i harassed about staying up later with me. maybe the infection will help me tone it down a little. but i do intend to have myself a good time and drink as many pomegranate and lime cosmopolitans as i feel i need. i also plan to smoke some excellent ganja? and i may even do some naked hottubing. i will drink a toast to all of you and make a wish on your behalves for a kind and gentle 2008.

we decided not to get any party hats or noise makers. instead, to mark the arrival of the new year, we will toast with some bubbly and watch the tivo’ed ball drop in the big apple. i also think we should embrace the buddhist? tradition of writing down 2007’s grievances, disappointments, failures, grudges, and other shit we’d like to unload. we’ll collect them in a bowl o’ grievances and then toss them into the fire. wouldnt that be lovely if they actually went up the chimney with the hazardous particles from our wood-burning fireplace?

regarding the big fucking nightmare, that’s all i wrote. i haven’t put charlotte’s birth story or the aftermath into print. i’d like to do it before the details escape me.

why the fuck do i want to get the details down?

i dont know why. i just do. anyway i made it through her birth and death day. today is the day we gave her back after keeping her with us for the night. mericfully, i dont remember it. i was worn out from my ordeal, to say the least. the only things i remember clearly are talking to my son and accepting the offer of being moved to the deadbabydungeon where RM and i could both sleep in proper beds on big, spongey egg crates. so nobody down there knew that i had a baby or nearly died in the process but i got a nice long stretch of sleep. hmm. later i can count the ways that the deadbabydungeon sucked.
for now i’ll just focus on the fact that 2007 brought me a beautiful, sweet baby girl who sucks on her toes and smiles great, big toothless grins. every time i post about some horrible shit, okay every time i post, i marvel at her being. at her living, breathing, toe-sucking, diaper-butt self and i am in awe. she’s really here. she’s really in her crib, sleeping, in her christmas dress and ruffle butt tights. (we had to restage christmas because her christmas photo doesnt meet with my satisfaction and she cant get the shaft on her first christmas just because she’s the third kid.)

thank you 2007 for not fucking me over like 2005 and 2006. for now i am no longer waiting for the other shoe to drop and take with it someone that i love.

p.s. i always feel like an asshole for talking about my kids especially the baby.  like you were with me on the deadbabystuff and willing to read the infected nipple stuff but that i then slapped you in the face with a cold, hard reality dose of my baby is alive while yours isnt.  i guess i still have the dead one and that’s counts for alot in deadbabyland but still.  maybe i should put a warning up top about the baby that lived being mentioned.  thoughts?


~ by complicatedmama on December 31, 2007.

9 Responses to “boob on the mend”

  1. Please don’t ever feel like you can’t write about your daughter. That would be sad. I never feel like it’s a slap in the face, ever. G*d the people who deserve to have living breathing babies are the ones who have suffered loss. I like to read about successful subsequent pregnancies it gives me hope, I’m glad you have this joy in your life.
    You still get it this deadbaby stuff. Your pass to deadbabyland did not get revoked just because you have a baby.

  2. No warning needed. I love the fact that you had a living, breathing baby after your losses. It gives me hope that maybe I can, too. She counts here in deadbabyland just as much as the lost ones. Happy New Year, complicated mama. I hope you got right pissed last night and enjoyed the naked hot-tubbing ;o)

  3. I’m glad your boob is mending, dude. I can imagine the suckiness of that infection.

    Happy New Years and enjoy the party 🙂

  4. I like hearing about the livebaby too- gives me hope.

  5. I also don’t mind but like hearing about the live one. I know it’s shit to say that people who’ve gone through losses deserve to have live babies more than people who haven’t, but that’s kind of how I feel sometimes. And in that vein, you quite deserve your breathing baby. So I don’t mind a whit.

  6. oh god, please no (baby mentioned) post titles. i know what you’ve got, and i’m here to read all about it. duh!

    that said, i know what you mean. i don’t like writing about the kids on mine either, yet that reflects way more on how i think i’m an asshole in my own head about live kids vs dead baby stuff. UGH.

    and that sounds like my kind of party!!!! don’t bother wishing anything kind and gentle for me. just send me some nakedhottubbing, k?

  7. i’m pointing out that we have yet to hear any actual letters to the babies that lived. i’m just saying.

  8. I got here (I think) from CharmedGirl’s blog. A few nights ago I spent the whole night reading your entire archives from your other blog and then this one. I’ve been trying to figure out what to say that won’t make me sound like a stalker, but all I can come up with is that I love your writing, I identify with everything you say, I wish I knew you in real life and I’ve been obsessively checking your blog ever since.

    I also want to of course tell you that I am so happy about your new daughter and so sad for the heartbreak and trauma you have gone through.

    I am amazed at your honesty, really, I am. I look forward to reading all about your new adventures as well as your reflections on the past. I’m going to go now before I start sounding more like a dork than I already do.

  9. I’m glad your boob is on the mend and that the anniversary of the BFN is behind you now. In all my readings of deadbaby nightmares, LC’s story still sounds like one of the hardest things ever, to keep feeling her move as she was being evicted to death to save your life is just horror beyond any sort of words I can muster.

    Little LC I wish you were here and at the same time I’m so glad your mother is still here for her and your siblings and your dad.

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