fuck you wordpress

fucking wordpress bullshit. i sat down to post and couldnt figure out how to log in to wordpress, having not done it before. i always just seem to be signed in. so i couldnt get in to my own stupid blog and wordpress didnt like my chosen password so i didnt know my assigned password. so i dicked around for 30 minutes and now the baby is awake. fuck wordpress. fuck everything. i have so much repressed anger i ‘d like to throw a few glasses at the wall. christ i’ve been self-medicating for so fucking long i have no clue how to properly manage my emotions. i just know that i am a fucking wreck these days. the running dialogue that goes through my head is Crazy. the committee of fucking assholes that beat me in the face day and night is unbearable. sometimes i fear i might have multiple personalities but unfortunately i think they are all mine. just my one sunny disposition. i’d love to go toke up in my bathroom but the guilt is making me even crazier which sends me right back to the bathroom. then i have to face a CHASM of silence between RM and me. i just cant bring myself to speak to him when i am high. makes for a pretty fun time as you can imagine. i sound like a total freak here. (i am really just talking about one toke every few days or so just so you all dont really start to worry about my well-being or especially my kids’ well-being, most of the time they are asleep. then i wait several hours before pumping or i dont pump at all. now i sound like i am making excuses but i just wanted to give a sense of the scope of the problem here. it takes very little bud to make me really fucking crazy, not that i am so normal the rest of the time.) i really need some proper medication for anxiety and depression but not until i am done breastfeeding. jesus i cant stand myself any longer. i am paralyzed. i need to get this shit out of my house. period. period. period. period. i cant throw it away because it isnt mine. i need to make this stop.

fuck this stupid tiny font that i can barely read. cant figure out how to make it bigger unless i write the post in word.

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~ by complicatedmama on January 23, 2008.

6 Responses to “fuck you wordpress”

  1. Hey – I am sorry that you’re going through this. And I hope that what I’m about to say is helpful (and if it’s not, please just chalk it up to assvice and ignore). I debated whether to go on an antidepressant while breastfeeding. Ultimately, I decided that the benefit of feeling like a sane person would make me a better parent and outweighed the potential risk of taking an antidepressant while breastfeeding. And I am so glad that I did it. That was my mental calculus. Obviously, you have to make your own and decide what feels right to you.

  2. I know this dialogue all too well. My thoughts are with you

  3. There are quite a few antidepressants that are considered safe for breastfeeding moms. My plan is to start one right after birth in the hopes of avoiding the crushing post natal depression I just know is waiting around the corner for me.

  4. I 100% agree with your idea of self medicating. I think that is one of the things that keeps me sane sometimes. Maybe it’s a crutch, but it doesn’t interfere with my everyday life, so I don’t see it as a problem. You do what you have to do. Everyone is different. The only reason you feel guilty is because it’s illegal. If it were alcohol (which I think would be MUCH worse), then it would be acceptable. You’re a grown woman who can make your own decisions. Sometimes we need an escape – life is hard.

  5. Also, feel free to email me if you want to discuss this further, I obviously don’t 100% understand where you’re coming from because I haven’t had the hardships that you’ve experienced, but I definately understand having a little Mary Jane around.

  6. BA, just out of curiousity really, how would i email you? it doesnt seem that you have a blog linked to your name. makes me wonder if i am supposed to know who you are.

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