rock bottom?

well that’s over for now i guess. rm took the mj away in his car and plans to drop it off at our friend’s house. i guess i hit a rock bottom yesterday. it was kind of a controlled burn situation. my excellent babysitter/nanny was here so the kids were in good hands. the baby had a bottle. i toked up repeatedly and felt pretty desperate for a while. i drank an entire bottle of wine, in 4 1/2 hours but STILL. i actually talked to rm over a shrimp stirfry dinner that I MADE. we talked about real meds. i plan to wait and see how i feel now that the addiction rollercoaster ride is over for now. then i conked out on the couch while watching Weird Science.

all things considered, rock bottom went pretty smoothly. i feel better today. i always feel better when i finally ditch the weed. i’ve been down this road before many times. i can’t have it in my house. i can’t have it in my house.  i can’t have it in my house.  i already know this.

at first when i “end up” (load of bullshit, i know) with some in my house i feel like it gives me a release, an escape, freedom of sorts. i feel maybe creative, maybe inspired in some way. but soon that feeling of freedom is gone, gone and then i feel trapped. the cycle intensifies, the guilt and recrimination steps up, and i try to escape from it. it doesnt take long for me to bail out and throw the shit away. it’s never much to throw away. i mean i store the stuff in a contact lens container, usually only on one side. but that is more than enough to get me in trouble. been there, know that.

i’ve thrown away my stash in many ways. in a lake, off a balcony, out the window, off the deck, in the toilet, down the drain. it always feel good to throw it away. then i pull out my trusty anne lamott book and i feel good that i said no to this addiction once again. i cant handle it. the guilt, the rules, the bullshit. i obviously already have some issues with self-loathing; during the downward spiral they become unbearable.

so today its just me and my normal, fucked up self. oh and the massive strain of feeling so completely responsible for every facet of the well-being of three entire people. oh and i guess i should count myself. that makes four. it feels like such a barely conceivably enormous load. the nuts and bolts of having three kids is hard enough what with all the logistics of naps and pickups and dropoffs and the food issues (the pickiness, the off-the-charts sensitivities for monstergirl and the question of what the fuck we are going to feed this kid, oh god i cant even go there right now. the laundry list of things that weigh on me regarding the kids is a fucking mile long. cant do it right now.

i think i’ll go knit for 5 seconds before the baby wakes up or monstergirl throws one of her signature maddening shitfits. right now she seems manageable in her shirt, dress, skirt and pants ensemble as she handily operates a small daycare for her babies.

it’s been raining since monday.


~ by complicatedmama on January 24, 2008.

13 Responses to “rock bottom?”

  1. Holy hell, it sounds like you are having a really terrible time of it now. I’m sorry that the struggles are hitting you especially hard. Thinking of you.

    Oh, and I admire your even trying to knit. I’ve been doing the same row in Little A’s hat for about five weeks. Maddening.

  2. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m glad you’re trying to take positive steps in the right direction. It’s a hard road, one that I know well.

  3. I’m sorry you are going through all this shit. I think hotting rockbottom is a good thing. For me, when I have been there, I think, “it can’t get worse than this. THIS is the worst it will get.” And then I concentrate on trying to get better day by day. In little ways. Don’t you like how I make it seem so simple and easy? Ha. Not simple or easy.

    I think it is going to be a while till you figure out how to manage your three kids and your life. And they are so young, and so needy still. At some point, it stands to reason that they will be more independent and less needy of time and energy and we will all be blogging about how our kids hate us and how they don’t want to spend time with us and how not busy we are and how boring our lives are. We will wonder what happened to our hobbies and our busy busy lives. And, god forbid, our marriages.

    It’s hard not to have an outlet. I don’t smoke anymore, don’t drink anymore and don’t have easy access to fun drugs. That leaves wheat Thins, Pretzels, and my blog. Writing is an outlet for me, and it can be squeezed in during naps and during times like this, when the girls are rolling around on the floor, crawling over each other. They go to bed at 530 and I have my entire night free. That alone is a HIUGE sanity saver. You need something like that, some free time for just you, no kids, no guilt and no pressure.

    Keep writing because dragging yourself out of all this, it is an adventure. And it can be sorta a road map if it ever happens again.

    I wish I knew how to knit. Al of you damn people who can sew make me feel so inadequate. I bring buttons to the dry cleaner to sew on.

  4. holy fucknuts…
    you sound better, at least i thought you did…
    i guess that is a good thing right???!!
    hang in there. tomorrow is another day

  5. I can tell you how I did it but I think you know it all. Breathe and take it a day at a time. I’m a 12 stepper but I don’t believe that’s the only way to rid yourself of the committee. I also use therapy, meds and spirituality to keep the demons at bay. And blogging 🙂

  6. Besides all the dead baby related stuff, we souund very similar in how we deal with our lives and family. Honestly, the MJ keeps me sane and I don’t see it as a problem. However, if you feel like you need something to bring you back to a “normal” state of mind, I take a mixture of Wellbutrin in the morning and Lexapro at night. It is working great for me. I have the energy during the day and then the Lexapro takes care of my anxiety issues. I wish we lived near each other (I’m in Florida), because I know how you are feeling (obviously besides loosing children, and I pray that I never know that feeling). Hang in there, you have a tough job – raising 3 kids, it’s bound to take it’s tole on your body and your hormones. There is nothing wrong with getting help. I’ve had other substance abuse problems in the past and I think that it has permanently messed with my brain chemistry. I hope you find what works for you. I know you’re a wonderful mother or you wouldn’t have put yourself through all the pain to get the family you desired. With Love – BA

  7. First things first. Congratulations on your taking a stand. One day at a time and things will happen for you. Rock bottom certainly is not a fun place to be. You can only come up from there. Hold your chin high. You have our support.

  8. Thinking of you – you’ve been through so much over such long time. I hope things get better from now on for you. Lots of love.

  9. yeah, i’m still waiting to hit. it’s getting to the point where i can’t wait to get out of this prison. good thing yours is over, for today…(yeah, another 12 stepper, although never worked the steps, ran from every sponsor, and i’m an atheist; whatever).

    i’m sure the rain doesn’t help, especially with drop offs and pick ups. thinking of you.

  10. its so hard to put into words what i want to say to you – soooo much and no time. a) you were pregnant for a really long time which can only reak havoc on your hormones and exhaust you for….jesus i don’t know how long – a long time – years…since it doesn’t end when the child is born – it just begins!). b) the grief and shock you went through which we all know you carry c) now you have THREE kids – oye – the emotional investment of having 3 children alone is enough to wreck the strongest of all women. d) last but NOT least, you are and have always been (at least in my eyes) a goal oriented person. i know raising three children is a huge task in itself but it is not a goal for just you. you are very cerebral – if your brain isn’t challenged i think you ache for it. you’re very smart and your brain is very hungry. at least thats how i see you. you need a goal for yourself but it probably has to be big like writing a book, starting a radio show for women – whatever b/c little goals like mine (get to the gym 4x a week etc) will not satisfy you. the mj is not as big a problem as you think , i’ve known you a long time….its a symptom not a problem. Although i do think meds are in order – it might help just to slow down the brain enough to focus, organize – see the light beyond the crap. we all shy away from them and wish we did not have to take them but we’re only cheating ourselves and everyone that relies on us if we deny the need. believe me, out of all this will come something powerful….its simmering now – and it may take years but you are way too dynamic to be anything but spectacular. i love you……

  11. I think it’s great that you took the steps you needed to in order to feel better about yourself. You seem to be SO hard on yourself! My therapist is always trying to get me to be compassionate with myself. Lots of times it seems impossible to do that, so what she had me do was to imagine that my best friend is going through all these things and saying the same thing to herself that I am saying to myself. Of course I have nothing but compassion for my friend, so it helps me bring up that emotion. Then I try to turn it back to myself. I know it sounds cheesy but it does help sometimes.

    I cannot imagine dealing with three little monsters…that alone would break me, I think. From what I read, anyway, you seem to be doing so much better than you give yourself credit for–you ditched the MJ, you threw a party for the kids, you’re still here blogging and not locked up somewhere. Those things are worth celebration. YOU are worth celebrating. Peace…

  12. hi again – i just wanted say that i’m not telling you to get some goals and all will be well – right now you’re probably lucky if you remember to put pants on before you leave the house and your only goal is to get a shower once in a while! i just don’t want you to beat yourself up for what you’re going thru – i want you to see it as i do… just have an overactive brain (which is a blessing and a curse)if it doesn’t get what it wants it will take you in directions you don’t want to go. think of it as the price you pay for being a genious! if you can find an hour a week to yourself – USE IT for yourself – use your husband, use your nanny and feed your mind body or soul – go to therapy, find a women’s group or any group for that matter that sparks your interest – you can’t just take care of others ALL the time – your “self” will rebel and demand attention. its the old cliche – you have to care for yourself first, then you can have more to give to others. anyway – just hang in there and tell your brain to take a siesta….you’ll get to it when you have a free minute that isn’t taken up by sleep! love you…….

  13. nothing more to say that everyone else hasnt said already ~ just wanted you to know i am thinking of you, and here listening…


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