still here

thanks for the pep talks ladies. especially you liz, you give me too much credit. i think part of my problem is that now that all of the deadbabydrama and the trying to have a baby that lives drama is over i have to face myself again. i dont have all of that stuff to focus my anxiety on. now its just me. i had a baby that lived and life isnt perfect. i knew it wouldnt be. i didnt think everything would suddenly be magically okay. so here we are.

i took some baby steps since my last post. maybe they arent just baby steps. i made an appointment to see my last therapist. on friday. she is getting me the phone number of a psychiatrist that she really likes. he has a holistic bent so we can consider some homeopathy for my anxiety and depression. i am ready to talk about real meds for sure. i am concerned about breastfeeding. did anybody out there do any research about breastfeeding on meds? how did you get comfortable with going on meds while breastfeeding?

i went to pilates. i actually set foot in the gym for the first time in a year and a half. it felt good. i have zero core strength. but i made an appointment to do a private session with the teacher. i bought a great secondhand jogger so i can hopefully walk some cellulite off my knees (and the rest of me but seriously when the fuck did i get such fat knees?). maybe it was the five months on bedrest. maybe it was already there.

so i’m doing better i guess. but now it’s just me and the same old bullshit that i always face. trying to find something to look forward to (there’s alot), trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me (who fucking knows?), trying to live in the moment (for a moment), reading the deadbabyblogs and wishing that i would comment more and support you guys as a deadbabymama who has managed to carry my grief and shock for two years and 1 month. i havent written any christmas thank you notes yet. i’m tired. i havent slept thru the night since probably mid-way thru my last pregnancy ( a year ago). my beautiful, babbling, smiley baby girl has a  huge blood-blistery-looking growth just above her forehead.  what the fuck?  monstergirl will see a pediatric GI on thursday and maybe we can start to figure out if every single fucking thing i feed her is ruining her small intestine. my nipple is STILL injured and it hurts. the tiny blister thingy never goes away because it cant heal while i am nursing six times a day. i cant muster up any interest at all in sex or anything sexual, my poor husband who may have had hope that things would improve after the bedrest and newborn stages were over. small fucking wonder that i dont want to get it on. lets see what else do i feel like shit about.

my baby lived and i am still complaining.

i am tired and i am going to bed. but i put up a post, yes i did.


~ by complicatedmama on January 29, 2008.

7 Responses to “still here”

  1. christmas thank you notes? really? no wonder you’re anxious. i’m sure you reciprocated on all those gifts, and thanks was all-around. how about just crossing that off the list?

    good post, whatthef*ck. i think we might know everything isn’t going to be ok (ever) but the fantasy is somewhere in there, mind-fucking us.

  2. homeopathic treatments: someone just told me about fish oil and b-vitamins, which i’d forgotten about. i may try those, as i am now weaning off the zoloft. and, of course, there’s exercise (i found it easier just to take the drugs).

    i commented previously on deciding to take meds while breastfeeding. basically i decided that the many known risk factors of maternal depression outweighed the unknown risks of taking zoloft, which everyone i talked to thought was probably pretty safe. so i decided to go on meds for 3 months to get me over the hump. for me, it was a good decision.

    good for you for calling the therapist. try to be gentle with yourself (easier said than done, i know). i agree with pp about the xmas thank you notes. just cross those off the list. and screw anyone who holds it against you that they didn’t get a note. you’re nursing six times a day, with a blister on your nipple, and you don’t want to have sex? you don’t say!

  3. i wish i could just cross the thank yous off the list. it weighs on me so heavily you’d think i would just do them and get it over with. my family is pretty big on them so it’ll just be another thing to feel like shit about if i dont do it. for a second there though i felt like i could just let that one go.

    michelle- thanks for your comments. i want to know more about the risks of meds. shouldnt somebody know the answer? studies of moms on meds or analysis of the breastmilk to see what gets thru? seems weird to me that it is such a mystery. there are people working on a floating space station but science cant manage the question of what gets in the breastmilk or the placenta for that matter? i dont get it.

    fish oil is so friggin nasty there is no way i’m taking that shit. it always makes me burp up fish. expect actually that one kind that dosmamas’ wife gave me. hmm. i wonder if that works on anxiety. i always thought i suffered from depression. turns out i’m as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. who knew?

    anyway i appreciate your comments. basically i need to weigh the risks carefully so i dont end up torturing myself about taking a risk (that didnt stop me from smoking pot however but man did i feel like a pathetic loser for doing it while breastfeeding).

    charmed girl, we seem to be cut from the same cloth. sorry i dont comment more on your blog. i do read it a once or twice a week at least. i really identify with a lot (a lot? alot? when the fuck is that word separated by a space?) of what you are struggling with especially the dilemma re: having another baby. it was simpler for me than it is for you but still very complicated. now that she’s here i am starting to realize how i will always carry the horror of losing little charlotte and then the subsequent disaster. the baby that lives doesnt take away the pain of the loss. oh ugh i’m not even writing coherent thoughts. thanks for all of your comments. i’ll try to comment more but i always want to choose my words carefully so i at least make sense.


  4. like you, i am struggling. i am going to talk to my ob tomorrow about ppd and meds while breastfeeding. i will let you know what they say.

    somethings got to give here, right?

    hang in there. you are not alone.

  5. xmas thank yous!???? r u fucking joking? i can’t even comment on that – oye. anyway those are huge steps you took…..or maybe sometimes its the littlest steps that have the biggest effect. my therapist told me i had to get out more – do something i wouldn’t normally do etc. i told her i’m not a doer – i’m a wallower! but i knew it would take action for any change to happen. just a little action, like the gym or dinner with a friend – whatever. i was really getting agoraphobic. so i did it little by little and 20 drugs later….things are progressing. plus i found out i’m perimenopausal which makes you supernuts (more on that later). anyway – going to the gym again made a huge difference for me – just that hour to myself – i have to get up at 6am b4 baby gets up but its worth it. i get to watch the news on the elliptical, see everyone else there just getting through another day….i feel reconnected to the world outside my neurosis – like a real person instead of just a crappy wife and crappy mother. how did this become about me? sorry! and sex?! whats that?

  6. All this stuff changes us, and then when we are forced to deal with life again, we don’t know who we are or how to handle anything. I’m still learning, or trying to learn, how to do it. I have told a couple of people that after losing Hope my brain changed–I envision a wide-open field with really tall grass. After losing Hope I went into that grass and made a path into it, a path into darkness, and now when I am triggered by anything it seem to be easier to go down that path again and again. I hope that made sense, it does to me.

    Anyway. For me, going off meds was not an option. I took them all through my pregnancy with Bubba and the six weeks I managed to breastfeed him. I think the consensus is that some are safer than others…maybe ask a doctor you trust. I sort of figure it can’t be any worse than all the other shit we get from our environment and food, etc. I noticed in your comment that you said you’d thought you were depressed but actually you were nervous–just wanted to let you know that depression and anxiety go hand in hand, and it’s very common to have both (I do!)

    My baby lived and I am still complaining too. But you know what? I kind of think we’re allowed. Because in addition to the complaining, we also have some appreciation that other people don’t.

    Good job on your efforts. You are doing great!

  7. …And it’s a good post. Hopeful, almost, if you can stand the idea of it. Good for you re: the gym. And the therapist. And simply recognizing that you have something to feel good about. I should try my hand at that, but I like this grief too much to just ditch it right now.
    I agree with charmedgirl re: the cards. I’d be crossing that off my list pronto. And apologizing for not being able to comment more…fuck that. In my mind, you do what you can do. Knowing you understand is certainly enough for me. Finally, that poor nipple of yours. Battered and beaten. Hope it lives to please your husband once again ;o) (Man, I hope you found that funny!!!)

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