2 days til help arrives

two days until i see the psychiatrist. at this point i am thinking i will go on zoloft. i’ve been reading that it’s the safest to take while nursing. (please share any info that you might have about this.) i’m pretty much ready to pop a pill right in the office should he hand me a sample pack like my last psychiatrist did.

basically i give up. i’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression my whole life and man oh man have things come to a head. having three kids has brought me to my knees.

th etherapy session was actually really good. i told her straight off that i REALLY hadnt wanted to come and that i almost cancelled. she was very responsive and inquired about what i needed to feel better. she offered me tea and gave me a blanket. she sees me in her home. we worked on some ideas for silencing my inner critic. novel idea huh? we also focused on things that give me pleasure and nurturance. did i make that word up, nurturance? it sounds made up. she gave me homework to do as many things as possible that give me pleasure. not too shabby. i tried it. i’ll continue to try it.

she also gave me homework to STAY OFF THE DEADBABYBLOGS. choose life, she said. stop re-traumatizing yourself. i couldnt do it. i couldnt do it because there is a blogger who was in major crisis and i needed to check in on her. after years of IVF with PGD and ICSI, and then donor IUI’s, and then donor sperm IVF and one miscarriage and a chemical she got pregnant with triplets. she lost them at 19 weeks. her cerclage got infected and her life was in danger and she had to be induced. been there. it was a nightmare, pure and simple. so i couldnt not check in on her. you can visit her at not according to plan

yesterday i had a hard day and broke into the emergency supply of leftover bud. i left my one-hitter well packed. i was too ashamed and weary to include/explain that in my post about giving the bud back to my friend. i hadnt touched it til yesterday. i was seriously on the verge of a breakdown. the baby wouldnt nap all morning, the kids were wigging, it was raining still (TWO WEEKS or rain everyday, holyfuckingcrap that’s bad for the mental health), RM was super-grumpy understandably. and then i was better. a veil was lifted. i got the screaming baby up, put her down to play on the floor, we dressed her in a cape and angel wings and gave her a magic wand and took pictures of her. then we took a field trip to “the land behind our fence.” in two weeks we are having a door built in the fence so we can access the “wild zone” behind it. for now we walk around to get to it. so we went to check out where the door will be and there was a fabulous natural sandbox back there in a beautiful sunny spot. there’s a carpet of sprouting acorns and a four foot high canopy of trees. its amazing and in two weeks my kids can get there from my decidedly un-wild zone of a yard. we have a great yard with a play structure but my kids love to dig. anyway the day went form hellish to a little bit magical. then we made frigging soup if you can believe it and the kids were perfect helpers. yes all thanks to an attitude adjustment. and then it all went to shit and monstergirl lost her fucking mind because she couldnt wear her best boots out to dig, in between deluges of rain. she went nuts. then legoboy and babybear and RM joined in. then i went back up to the bathroom.

then our neighbors came over for the superbowl and i drank and ate up a storm. i even ate pizza and feta cheese. fuck it. it was great. babybear spews hot, curdly, sour, nasty barf all over me all the time anyway. why the fuck am i off dairy? we’ll see how she does today.

so now i am looking forward to starting some meds. i’d also like to get something for anxiety like ativan. i know its addicting. a month or so ago i took the last one that i had from my last trip to a psychiatrist. five years ago. i had a bottle of ativan for five years. through three live babies and three dead babies!!  i have tremendous respect for and fear of the prescription drug. i’ve tried and abused many kinds of drugs but not prescription. way too scary. so i think i’ll ask dr homeopath for some ativan. or something else if he knows something that’s safer for nursing babies. probably better to take an ativan on super-awful days than toke up? seems debatable.

anyway. we are going away on friday to the snow with three other families. one of the women completely stresses me out. heres why. shes the kind of person (she has three young kids) who calls up and says “oh we are just taking some homemade bread out of the oven.” she also says things about how she and her husband really try to make love rather than just have sex. dont you hate her? i always feel inadequate around her. oh and during deadbabysummer i was toking up and she asked me who my “pusher” was. for fucking real. a thimble-full of pot and who is my pusher? who says pusher anyway? i cant believe i took that shit and didnt put her in her place somehow. anyway so i kind of hate her and i’ll be spending the weekend with her. blech.

but on wednesday i am going to get me some help. i give up. “UNCLEEEE”

baby’s crying already. freaking 40 minute nap. i hate 40 minute naps. they are such bullshit.

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~ by complicatedmama on February 4, 2008.

8 Responses to “2 days til help arrives”

  1. I’m glad that you’re getting help. Last Weds I went on Zoloft (I am also struggling), which I am taking while nursing. I’m doing a bit better (placebo effect).

    Good luck to you. Email me if you want to talk.

  2. Pusher? Holy fuck! What a beeee-atch! And homemade bread? Tell her to stuff it.

    Hope the doc fixes you up good. Also, just wanted to say, I am glad the appt. with the therapist went well. Thinking of you.

  3. I call them the 40 minute specials and I hate them, too.

    So glad that you’re getting help. You already sound like you’re doing better. It’s a huge step that you’re taking.

    Ack, that woman sounds like a bitch. My therapist asked me if I was around many women who project that “perfect mom/wife” image, like your friend. I was a little incredulous that women like that actually exist. And I am skeptical that the perfect image isn’t an illusion. Forget ‘pusher,’ who says ‘make love’?! (And most of us real people are just happy to have any sex at all every now and then.) Hopefully you can avoid this woman as much as possible and the other two are more real.

    Re: the dairy – I’m curious – did you notice a difference in babybear when you went off the dairy? I ask because I have a fussy/reflux-y baby, but I just am skeptical that my diet is the cause of her distress. I don’t believe it, so I never made any changes. Also, I thought I’d be in an even deeper depression if I had to cut out all caffeine, dairy, and alcohol. My morning latte and an occasional glass of wine were my sole source of enjoyment at one point in time.

  4. Woice of dissent on the dairy here… Ms Baby had very bad screaming all night colic and mucousy blood streaked poops. No dairy, no screaming, no bloody poops, happy baby, happy mommas. It’s a bitch, for sure, but you get used to it (been doin’ it for 3 years now…).
    On the zoloft… I was on it for 2 years after Bub was born for super bad depression/anxiety. I had a seriously hard time weaning off of it – head spins and weird shit happening in my brain for months (and I weaned down as slowly as possible). The other thing about zoloft was that Bub was sleeping really well when I went on it, then he slept like crap for 2 year and within weeks of me being off zoloft, he was sleeping through the night. Could have been a coincidence. Or not.
    I’ve finally gotten a handle on my depression/anxiety/rage by changing my diet dramatically. Corn was the thing that really made a difference for me, eliminating corn from my diet had changed my life and mental health dramatically. I know it’s not for everyone, and is really hard when you start, but thought I’d throw it out there.

    Hope are are better soon :-/

  5. I definitely don’t claim to know it all, I’ll start with that. But, eliminating corn is probably too small a step. When I had my preemies, my doctor put me on Zoloft right away. Like in the hospital. This OB is very earthy crunchy too – into home births etc.- but when I asked about the breast feeding thing (pumping for me at the time) she said the amount that gets into the milk is miniscule and the help for your mental health is more important. I’ve been on Zoloft a long time. When I got pregnant with these twins I went off of it and Clonopin cold turkey with no ill effects whatsoever. The antidepressant that’s supposed to be very difficult to withdraw from is Effexor, FYI.

    Another thing, even though on my blog I just talked about how difficult it was to withdraw from Xanax, it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped taking it. It makes me feel A LOT better. I see my shrink tomorrow so we’ll see BUT…if something makes you feel better after the trauma you’ve been through, what is the problem with taking it?? Go easy on yourself and don’t worry about taking meds short or long term to help you feel better mentally.

    One last thing, even on Xanax, yesterday I got so fed up with three children crying constantly that while holding my baby I kicked over her bassinet because it wouldn’t fit through the doorway. Miracle drug it’s not.

  6. I’ve taken a billion different antidepressants over the years, though I’m not on anything right now. The plan is to start Zoloft right after birth, in the hopes of dodging post natal depression.

  7. pusher?! sounds like she needs a smack.

  8. Pusher? I now don’t like her and I don’t even know her.

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