what the f*ck?

Fuckin’ a, why won’t my baby sleep? Seriously, she’s my third kid and i am still obsessed over sleep schedules or the lack thereof. What the fuck? Any advice on getting over whether or not one’s baby sleeps? Doesn’t she know that i had a shit morning? That began when SHE woke up at 5:30. Before that she was sleeping next to me looking adorable but occasionally pummeling me with insistent little fists. Or were those her feet? What fucking difference does it make? It kept me awake. I want her to sleep with us, occasionally, because I love the idea of it but in practice it really really sucks. She wakes up much earlier when she’s in our bed. Its hard to resist though after we fall asleep nursing.

After being kept awake by the baby, I was still struggling to sleep a bit more when monstergirl started screaming, for the second time. The first was at 5:30 when fortunately Rocket Man was up and he dealt with her. The second time, she woke up screaming for daddy and when nobody came she started throwing shit across her room. We used to call that waking up on the wrong side of the crib. Now I call it being an asshole. And I see the next 15 years of dealing with a temperamental female who wakes up in a shit mood and makes us all fucking miserable. Christ, she’s going to be a teenager someday. She acts like one already.

And so now the baby is still crying. She was down for about 20 freakin’ minutes. This after waking me up at 5:30. This after an entire week of my kids being out of school. For friggin’ “ski week” if you can believe that? An entire week of three kids all day, every day. With a total of two hours of TV time.  For the week.  (I’m not big on TV for kids but that’s another story).  It rained every day since Tuesday. Rocket Man was away for three days and then at a work dinner and then at a wine event and then at his Sunday basketball game. Like a fucking idiot I spent my babysitting time taking my older kids to the dentist and then shoe shopping on Wednesday and then out to a movie on Friday. It was to be monster’s first movie at a special showing of a classic kids movie so I took the kids and left the baby. But it was the wrong day, for the movie, so I couldn’t just walk them home and dump them with our nanny so we went out and about. It was kind of fun but I had zero down time in a long, shitty week of rain and little help.

Best of all is this. When I complained loudly to RM he suggested I go out to a movie yesterday. I informed him that I needed empathy and not problem-solving at that particular moment. But then, empathy or not, I DIDN’T FUCKING GO. What a complete idiot I am. The movie I wanted to see, The Savages, wasn’t playing close enough to our house and I didn’t know how the grocery shopping would get done without one of us to stay with at least one of the kids so I didn’t go. whatever.

I got the chance to get the fuck out of my house and see a MATINEE and I didnt do it. This kind of thing has happened to me before. It’s the real trap of motherhood. You get a chance to go out and do something on your own, for yourself, and you don’t take it. For whatever stupid reason. It used to be that I didn’t want to give up our “family time.” That’s a good one. Yesterday I didn’t want to drive too far to an undesirable theatre. What bullshit. It’s like you open the door for a caged animal and it takes a look outside, sniffs the air, turns around and lays back down in its spot.

As it was I ended up taking three kids out in the rain for a walk. Legoboy put his hands in a puddle, very uncharacteristically, then got all upset that there were then “sandy.” I wouldnt let him clean them off on MY pants so he got more upset. Jesus Christ. Once he finished with that bullshit, monster took her turn wigging because her tights were wet. Because she jumped into a huge puddle. She then took off her slicker, sat down on the sidewalk, in a handknit white smocky top/dress no less, and refused to walk any further. I stood a ways away from her and refused to go get her, while I drank from the beer that I brought with me. Then I screamed. Or yelled actually. “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

I don’t usually go in for that kind of thing. I’ll do hand screams on occasion but out loud? In the street? It felt good. The kids actually laughed. “Do that again mama.” Nice.

Then I brought their pathetic asses home and deposited them in the garage for dad to grapple with and took babybear back out. I then had a perfectly nice walk in the rain.

Babybear is still crying. I just don’t get it. She was up at 5:30. I put her down at 9. Shouldn’t she be tired? God I HATE the sleep stress.

So anyway this morning I made an impromptu decision to go up to 50 mg of Zoloft. I cant deal with all of this without an appropriate level of serotonin. NFW.

And what the fuck is up with all the visits to my last post but three measly comments? If you are going to stop by, just say something already. Don’t FILTER it, just say it. That’s what I do. It’s no fun if there’s no interaction here folks. Is this not a two way street? I’ve never liked that about blogging.

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~ by complicatedmama on February 25, 2008.

21 Responses to “what the f*ck?”

  1. I’m still having sleep issues w/my 9 yr old so I CAN RELATE!
    he seems much closer to his father’s physiology as far as getting by on FAR LESS sleep than predicted as “average” for any stage of his life, from babyhood on…
    it’s hard for me to manage the anger sometimes, & I’m only dealing w/ONE!?! I couldn’t imagine three!
    Back to read more later — hang in there

  2. You know sometimes I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say. I am not rubbing it in and saying it to make you feel bad, but I have no kids. I can’t comment sometimes because I don’t have a clue. I don’t want to leave you trite comments saying (((Hugs))) or hope you’re feeling better when I know it sucks for you right now.

    I can’t really comment on the Zoloft thing because I have a problem with medicating for things. That is entirely personal I have nothing against others doing it I just think there are other solutions and in my opinion while it does help some on the whole I think medication does not solve the problem it just masks it. That doesn’t mean I don’t think you should use it if it works for you I just don’t know what to say and didn’t want to be negative when I figured you are having a tough enough time as it is.
    There I have been brutally honest I hope you’re not pissed with me. None of that means I don’t want to read you blog or that I won’t comment when it’s relevant. I just don’t have anything to say sometimes. I will make the effort to at least say hi and that I’m reading and I will be honest from here on in if I don’t agree with you. You’re right we shouldn’t filter it.

  3. I love your line about how it’s like a caged animal. So very true! Sometimes I think we just realize that we want more than just a couple of hours out of the house, and we somehow realize that two hours at a movie just isn’t going to do it, so why bother? That is sometimes my train of thought anyway.

    I love it that you screamed out loud in public. Impressive.
    I’m sorry that you’ve been cooped up with the kiddies for so long. I hope you’re feeling better…but even if you are, I think the 50 mg increase sounds like a good idea!

  4. My kids are both being assholes these days. I feel your pain. And I can’t imagine having three to keep in line.

    Hope you get some rest soon, darlin’.

  5. It’s hard to comment when i have to type with one finger because i’m holding a baby CONSTANTLY. but lookie, i did.

  6. i’m leaving a comment because i can’t imagine clicking away after reading your last sentiment. while i’m sorry that you’re having a rough go, i have to tell you that i really appreicate your style. you actually crack me up. i too have a daughter and sometimes believe that at 2.5 there is plenty of foreshadowing into her teenage years and cringe just thinking about it. i’m also a nap nazi and nothing pisses me off more than a missed or shortened nap!

  7. listen ya douchebag, if i want to comment i’ll fucking comment> i mean jesus, lets be honest i’m using your bullshit to escape my own bullshit – and most of the time i have 2 seconds to check in before my lovely snatch child throws a hizzy and my bullshit hits the fan. how bout stick it up your ass! – hows that for a comment?

    oh and you barely have hair on your legs so i’m not impressed – i remember your hairy stint – and your year of hair is like my five o’clock shadow so fuck you!

    p.s. i’m kidding obviously – i love you and your less than hairy tiny little chicken legs. hang in there – as if you have a choice. go pick your nose or something 🙂

  8. hi! i’m a lurker. i’m leaving a comment out of fear. lol just kidding. do you think your baby is overtired? you can virtually smack me if you don’t want suggestions, but what if you put her down earlier? my third is six months old and in general, takes his first nap about an hour to an hour and a half after waking. he pulls the 5:30 bullshit too sometimes.

    i don’t know when sleeping gets better. we’re not there yet with any of my kids.

    good luck. love your blog.

  9. I know you don’t know me, I stumbled into your blog from a friends site….I have to smile, not at your fustration but because as a mom of 4 I have been there so many times!!!
    I loved it that you just scream! I have to try that there are many days I love my almost 4 year old to death, and then there are the days I feeel i was cursed with the “demond child”
    Hang in there you are soooooo not alone 🙂
    Y

  10. Sorry I am one of the dreaded lurkers too! I read almost everyday but never comment, kinda crappy now that I think about it. Oh and I find 150 mg of Zoloft is THE PERFECT dose to keep me from screaming in the street. However, no dose is enough to keep me from screaming in the car with the windows rolled up just to blow off steam!

  11. Ugh the non-sleep sucks ass, truly it does. There’s a reason they use sleep-deprivation as torture.

    I’m sure you don’t want assvice but here’s some anyway – maybe get the baby checked out by a chiropractor or cranio-sacral therapist? People say it can be helpful.

    But what do I know, my almost 4yr old doesn’t care for sleep.

  12. M&A wake up EVERY DAY between 4:30 and 530 in the freeking morning. They go to bed around 530 every night, so I guess I can’t complain too much. But a full night’s sleep is no guarantee. So there are nights when one (or both) get up at some random time and then still have the nerve to start their days at 4:30. It makes me insane sometimes. Sometimes I think I just need to shut up and get used to it.

    I read read read and don’t comment. . 1.) I tend to ramble on and on so comments turn into mini posts. And 2.) I read so many blogs that I have to decide sometimes between reading less and commenting more or reading more and commenting less. Yes, I worry about such things.

    I’ve done primal screams in the car when both babies were crying they eyes out like they were being tortured. When they were about two months. Nice.

    OK, drug question: You are talking about upping your Z to 50. I take lexapro 10 milligrams. Does that mean I could take 50???!!! Someone commented on taking 150. I want MORE! I am all for more ser. if it is possible. I know I should talk to my doctor but I want you to tell me the answer!

    In more non sequitor paragraphs…I know you have more kids than I do but I can relate to how you feel. The whole movie theater thing: SAME thing happens to me. Just this weekend, in fact. I was going to see 4 months 3 weeks and 2 days (Holy Sh*t I am not sure I can even handle) but I didn’t. My argument was that it was at the artsy theater, which is fine, but it aint no cineplex. I can feel and hear the subway under my seat. Popcorn sucks. Non stadium seating. So that was my excuse to not go. Besides, the weekends, when we are ALL together, I dont want to escape that. When I need a break is at, say, noon on a tuesday. Anyway, my point is I get your point.

    Can I just up my lex myself? This Heath Ledger death scares me because I think we have every single drug that killed him in our cabinet. Ugh.

  13. Jennifer, this is Stefanie, one of Letters readers. You can’t take that much Lexapro. Zoloft has totally different dosage than Lex and 50 is a ton for Lex. Call your doctor before you up the meds yourself because it’s dangerous. I take 50 of Zoloft and I’ve been on every dose so I know of what I speak.

  14. I just love Liz’s comment!!! It completely cracked me up!

  15. fucking awesome ladies. that is more like it. liz you are one of a kind and i love you way more than my luggage. you need a blog woman. seriously.

    it was nice of nobody to say how full of shit i am about the commenting. i am a frequent reader and infrequent commenter. for whatever reasons. i just like and want the interaction. i like the dissenting point-of-view, like coggy’s. it makes me think and challenges me a little to grow. that’s why i do this. i am processing my shit in a public forum. the process itself is very valuable but the comments are also an integral part.

    also i like to see who is reading. with wordpress my sitemeter wont show me referrals so i dont know where lots of my readers are coming from. i like to know where you are coming from. especially because then i find new blogs to read.

    thanks for taking the time to comment. i really appreciated each one and now i can visit you lurkers and see what’s up.

  16. I’m here and still reading.

  17. See us all jump on the comment bandwagon now that we’ve been chastised. =)

    I can’t offer anything on the sleep issue except sympathy. And I love you for taking a beer out with your kids on a walk. Love. You are the most real mum I “know.” And you’ll probably hate me for saying this, but I think you’re awesome.

    And don’t bother bopping over to my blog. I hardly ever say anything on it, and when I do it’s nowhere near anything intelligent. =P

  18. Some kids are just bad sleepers. I’ve made that conclusion, but I don’t like it. I go insane if I don’t have enough sleep and I can’t control my kids’ sleep. Certifiably insane. I remember swearing at my 3 month old (I was in my bed, she was in the other room) when she would wake up at 5:00 am. “Would you let me fucking sleep!!!” I would say. We’ve all been there, in some form or another. And if you haven’t, you’re an asshole!

    I wish I had some suggestion on how to make it better. The sleep thing. But, I don’t.

    And the caged animal thing, I TOTALLY get. I would never have missed an opportunity like that before. Freedom is sweet, if you have the movtivation to run.

  19. thanks to cristin’s suggestion i considered overtiredness more seriously and put her to bed earlier this a.m. she went right down and has been down for an hour now. but fuck if i press “submit comment” i’ll jinx it and she’ll wake up. i’m doing it anyway. here goes.

  20. I so remember those sleep deprived days. I used to vaccuum when the kids cried uncontrolably just to drown out the sound for a few minutes. Hugs.

  21. First time commenter. Linked through Baby On Bored. Yeah – I do that, make the rational not to take time for myself. I’ve used all your excuses. A few others: no money, raining, prefer to watch The Amazing Race. I’m pathetic.

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