can’t think of a title

wow, it’s been forever since i posted. trouble is, with posting that is, that i am feeling pretty good. generally angst is what prompts me to post. i think the zoloft is fully kicked in and at 37.5 i feel good. the veil lifted. it really did. sooo feeling good is not conducive to writing. nor is having three kids. i dont have much free time and posting isnt at the top of my list of what to do with that free time. reading blogs, yes. posting, not so much.

that’s not to say i dont have some good ones brewing. i could write volumes, okay maybe not, on the state of my marriage after my six pregnancies, two 11 week miscarriages, the big f*cking nightmare, the subsequent nightmare, two remodels, one move, three first years of a baby’s life, and rocketman’s hideously stressful job…. let’s just say we’ve been through some hard times and i am not sure that we remember how to function when we are not in crisis.

then there is the fact that we’ve had sex ONE time since we had babykate (i changed her nickname). i wasn’t even sober. and no times during the pregnancy. that’s like a year and a half people. can you f*cking believe that? high-risk pregnancy, newborn, still nursing alot, major lack of intimacy, and oh yeah PTSD and a major reluctance to involve my body in any activity that i might feel vulnerable about (sex, stirrups, even the dentist). yeahhhh so there’s a post there. understatement.

it’s only in the last few weeks that it feels possible to begin assessing the state of the relationship. it is kind of brutal. baby steps, right?


~ by complicatedmama on March 24, 2008.

6 Responses to “can’t think of a title”

  1. that’s awesome that the medicine is working. Getting some of the day to day angst out of the way must feel great. I’m still waiting for the veil to lift more, and then wonder “Is this it? Is this as good as it gets with antidepressants?” I still think I need to up my lexaro but am almost too embarassed to ask the doctor. Like I failed.

    The sex post…do it. Maybe I will ask people to anonymously write in my comments how often they have sex. I think the number is a LOT lower than we all think. And keep in mind, the bar is low since I am a woman (lower the male sex drive) with another woman (lower than male sex drive. There are some hard core cuddling sessions in this lesbian house. I have a hard time writing about my sex life bec. some of Nicole’s colleagues know about my site. And they don’t need to know about it, know what I mean?

    How did I turn this comment to all about me?

    Keep us posted.

  2. Baby steps indeed.

    We’ve not had much of the sex since Alex was born.

  3. That’s all you can do. Baby steps.

    Glad to know the zoloft is working. If it means you are posting less, so be it. I’m just happy to know you are feeling better.

  4. Yeah, obviously the blog can suck it; it’s your life that matters. I am glad you’re not under the bell jar for the moment.

    And sad that you’re not having sex. =( Sympathies.

  5. I ‘m so happy for you and zoloft. I’m not one for taking anything but…to see(read) your transformation right before my eyes has made a believer out of me! You sound great.

    Baby steps.

  6. I always write more when I’m angsty too. Glad the zoloft is working for you – I’m unmedicated for the first time in years, and ironically, it’s probably the one time in my life where I need medication more than ever…

    Baby steps are good. often the best way to get anywhere…

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