my best friend’s wife is pregnant with my husband’s sperm
yes it’s true. and i am coming out of semi-blog-retirement just to write tha title. and while i’m at it i might as well say a few other things on the topic. maybe in the interest of clarification. so yes my best friend, well i am not her best friend but she is my closest confidante by far and so that makes her, in my book, MY best friend. her wife, partner, girlfriend, woman, lady, better half, main squeeze whatever you want to call her is in fact pregnant. very, very pregnant. due in less than a month. and the sperm that she was inseminated with is that of my husband’s.
what’s more is that i had a dream last night about this situation. and so it’s got me thinkin’. in fact my mind is aswirl with thoughts like, “so does that make us family?” i mean we are planning for our kids to grow up knowing that the baby in question was created with their dad’s sperm. WE won’t call them half-siblings of course but somebody else might. and so does that make us family? technically?
it’s kind of a kooky situation although not as kooky as the summer of 2006 when the pregnant lady in question and i were BOTH trying to get pregnant with the same sperm. incidentally you can read their blog at dosmamas. they need some nicknames here. at once really. the blog is my friend’s and she calls herself charlotte. but i can’t call her that because for me that is the name of my baby who died at 23 weeks. hmm. i’ll get back to that later.
so in the dream last night their baby was born and she looked EXACTLY like my babykate. needless to say, that was freaky. i think we are all pretty hopeful that the baby will not come out looking a lot like Rocket Man or any of our kids. but our son resembles their son already and so maybe it won’t be such a big deal but still. the dream baby looked exactly like our daughter. then there was a weird conversation where my friend and i were discussing the virtues of naps. we were disagreeing about the importance of napping in the crib versus napping out and about. i was feeling disapproving of the plan to let the baby nap on the fly. yikes. hey it’s my subconscious talking there, dont blame me.
so the dream has got me thinking as i said. the babymamas have gracious and generously invited me to the birth. my friend, i will call her C., instead of charlotte until i think of something better, was with me when i delivered my charlotte and my babykate. i am HONORED to be invited. i’ve been thinking about whether or not i should go. after this dream, i think maybe not. thing is, i don’t want to feel an ESPECIALLY strong connection to this child. i know i’ll feel connected because she is their daughter and we are the best of friends. i dont know if i’ll feel connected because she was conceived using my husband’s sperm. i dont want to. being at the birth will likely increase my feelings of connection to her and i dont want to mix that up with the sperm donor thing. it’s complicated.
then i was also thinking about how Rocket Man will, technically, have another offspring. biological child, product of his sperm donation, offspring? whatever you want to call it. (what do you call it?) that’s kind of weird. i wonder what that feels like for him. maybe i’ll ask him if i can get a word in between interruptions from our kids and his 24/7 work demands. i am guessing it isn’t weird for him.
the whole situation has seemed strangely not strange. now it is hitting a little closer to home. likely because of the dream. which is likely because of the upcoming birth. my subconscious can’t be expected to differentiate between my husband being a sperm donor and my husband having another child with my best friend’s wife. NOBODY FREAK OUT. I DO NOT CONSIDER THEIR BABY TO BE HIS CHILD OR OUR CHILD OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. NO WAY, NO HOW. i know what makes a parent a parent and it is NOT, NOT, NOT handing over a juice glass full of sperm (okay not FULL of sperm, of course not full. he’s Rocket Man, not fucking Superman). i’m just saying that my subconscious might be working some shit out in my dreams, possibly calling to my attention an event that i really haven’t given a whole lot of thought to. i mean i’ve thought about it but not as much as one might think.
now that i’ve dug myself into a semantic hole, what more can i say? it’ll be interesting. i always have this to fall back. when we were deciding to do this, Rocket Man said something that solidified our decision. he said something like, “i think of it as another way to experience life.” so when the kids are old enough to really understand the situation, we will have that statement to remind us what we were thinking. that and more importantly that our friends needed sperm, we had some good stuff, and we didn’t mind sharing. we know full well that being a parent is like i said not about handing over some jiz.
but being a biological parent? i guess time will tell what that is about. am i not supposed to say biological parent? we wont think of RM as a bio parent. he’s the sperm donor. bio parent is the term that is used for C.’s partner, S., right? but in order for me to really process the situation i need to be able to write in black and white that technically RM is the biological parent, biological father of this child. technically, he will have produced four children, offspring, whatever. (well 5 if we count charlotte, and 8 if we count my 2 miscarriages and S’s one.) four living children, offspring, whatever. but i can almost hear C. gasping. because he is the SPERM DONOR. that’s what he is. i know that. their baby is in no way RM’s child. except in the way of biology. the language of child, parent, father is all wrong. i know that too.
i think what is happening here is that i was surprisingly at ease with S’s pregnancy. the fact that RM’s sperm was used seemed to be a mere technicality. the impending birth guarantees that the situation is about to get more real. and so i’m processing. apparently.