still here

i couldnt even think of a clever title.  i’m still here.  let’s say i’ve been “amotivated.”  (where the fuck does that period go?  does it ever really go outside the quotation mark?  it looks wrong out there.)

really i’ve been busy with the kids and with being an addict i guess.  i’m addicted to pot.  (and maybe to alcohol too.)  whenever i have pot, i have to smoke it.  when i have it and am not high, i am thinking about when i will get high.  i’ve been doing this, off and on,  to some degree, for oh maybe 10 years, maybe 15.  it’s exhausting.  the abuse that i heap upon myself drives the cycle.  fact is, most or at least much of the abuse is well-deserved.

i havent wanted to post about this because i want it to be a secret.  i am afraid of telling people, my husband, blogland, the truth.  because i have kids.  little kids.  even though i tell myself that sometimes i am a better parent when i’ve had a toke, fact is, i am often high while i am taking care of my children and that just cant be a good thing.  even when we dropkick soccer balls into a tree to make the autumn leaves shower down on us.  even when i haul the camera out and take what i think are some breathtaking photos of my children.  okay so most of them are blurry but thats because i dont know how to work our fancy camera.  i digress.

i am an addict.

i’m considering blogging about it.  does anybody know any blogs by people who are coming to terms with addiction?  i could use some company here.

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~ by complicatedmama on January 19, 2009.

13 Responses to “still here”

  1. I don’t know where to point you but wanted you to know you are loved and you can kick this motherfucker’s ass if you want to. Thinking of you often.

  2. I wish I had some advice on where to turn but I don’t know any addict bloggers at this point. I do know many addicts IRL (including my FIL, a few family members, and some friends). I will be thinking about you and still reading if you need the support.

  3. I realized years ago that I couldn’t have it around, that I had a similiar problem, thinking about it all the time, etc. I moved and didn’t have access anymore so it made it a lot easier, but occasionally I have access and won’t leave it alone. I think this is one of the reasons I am overweight too though, I can’t leave certain foods alone if they end up in the house. I got past that with alcohol because I couldn’t take the hangovers.

    Hang in there hun. Remove the source and see how that goes for a while, if you can. The fact that you are self aware about it is a step in the right direction.

  4. First, welcome back. I am glad you checked in. I understand where you are coming from, in terms of addiction. I quit alcohol, but under different circumstances (aka without kids). It was a long and hard road, but it was a decision I am glad I made. And I know it is a harder journey, with kids. And I hate using words like “journey” and “road” and “recovery,” by the way. Because I still pretend sometimes that I didn’t have a problem…that I just stopped just because. Oh denial is a powerful thing.

    I think reaching out is SUCH a good start. If you have tried to quit or stop in the past and failed, maybe it is bec. you did it alone. Maybe you need to keep reaching out, enlist the support of your husband, etc. Write about it or blog about it or talk to a doctor.

    I have more to say but i need to put the kids to bed first…

  5. Cecily at http://www.uppercasewoman.com sometimes talks about her addiction/recovery on her blog. Do you ever read her?

    I’m glad you posted, and am routing for you.

  6. Good to see a post from you. I’m sorry you’re battling this an it’s very brave of you to admit it. I know there are addiction posts at http://awarenessbridges.blogspot.com/

  7. I dont’ talk about it much but I have posts about my addiction and my recovery and I am here if you need me publicly or privately

  8. I’ll research and get back to you on some recovery blogs. I know that I know some but I’m not so smart today. But I’ve been thinking of you all the time. Seriously.

  9. You don’t need a blog-you need to be arrested. If I knew where you lived and who you were I would call the police and report you. Your husband is an idiot if he hasn’t figured this out. What would you do if god forbid something happened to your children while you were high? Stop being so f**&&%%g selfish and get help. This is sickening and it breaks my heart to think of these children-or any children for that matter put in dangerous and unhealthy situations like this. You are not fit to be a mother right now. God help your children. GET HELP NOW (and not on a “recovery blog” but in a treatment center.

  10. Oh, ezk, you are so self righteous. How dare you judge another. Obviously this isn’t the place for you and you should move along, although I know you won’t. You’ll come back again and again to sit on your high horse. Suck it.
    Personally, I used to have a problem with cocaine. When I became pregnant with my daughter I stopped. It wasn’t easy. To this day, especially after a few cocktails, I feel the urge to do a big, fat line. So far I’ve been able to resist the urge and the trick is never letting your guard down. I have a feeling it’s something I’ll battle for a long, long time.
    Really, I don’t think smoking pot is that big a deal. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, but I don’t think a little weed is going to hurt anyone. Maybe ezk up there should take a puff and calm down already. Having said that, there is always support should you choose to seek it out, but it’s up to you. you have to be willing to make a change. And just know, nobody expects perfection, it doesn’t really exist. You just have to do the best you can, everyday.
    Good luck to you!

  11. amanda i appreciate that you’ve got my back. fact is that ezk probably cant say anything to me that i havent already thought myself. except that i dont think i need to be arrested. what about drinking when kids are around? i guess maybe ezk doesnt do that. i think i’ll just post about this.

  12. I am so unbelievably proud of you for posting this. It is so hard to admit when we aren’t perfect. But the fact is, none of us are. You are just being honest enough to talk about it. Good for you for that. I personally will continue to read and root for you as you talk about something that we have all lived through. Good for you!

  13. YOu are very brave to post your post. Being an addict really is scary. My ex husband was an addict. I’m here to listen and lend an ear.

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