blah, blah, blah

I have so many thoughts swirling in my addled brain, things I’ve been wanting to clarify, things that I cant even begin to get a handle on, things I cant write because I don’t want my husband to read them.

First of all, if ezk manages to find me and send the police to my door, there wouldn’t find me all fucked up with my kids watching cartoons while we all share a bag of cheetos and wipe our orange fingers on our pants. They wouldn’t notice if I‘ve smoked because I always use visine,listerine and a spray from a sixteen year old bottle of some kind of misty stuff. (seriously my best friend gave it to me when I graduated from college-unbelievable). If I’m downstairs I might use some hairspray.

Anywayyy, the amount of pot they might find in my house varies from a speck so small that I cant even find it because it has fallen out of the one-hitter. Or i might have enough to fill about half of one side of a contact lens container. Seriously we are talking about laughable amounts of weed here.

But that sounds like such bullshit even as I write it. I mean, it is true but that doesn’t change the fact that my whole addictive process starts over again any time I get my hands on even a minute amount of weed. Sometimes it can a take a month or so. Or it can be compressed into two days. High is high.

So in a way, Natalie is right when she says that the problem may not be the pot but how hard I am on myself about it. I like to think that is true. It is part of the problem. The rest of the problem I think is that I am flat out addicted to pot. When I have it.

I don’t always have it. In recent years during non-pregnant times, maybe half of the time I have pot, maybe 1/3 of the time. It’s hard to say.

When I don’t have it, I am NOT always thinking about getting it. I wrote that in an earlier post and looking back at that statement, it isn’t always true. The following is true: When I have it, I am pretty much always thinking about when I will smoke it. That goes on until I run out or throw it out. I’ve thrown out pot plenty of times. I’ve thrown it in a lake one time, off a balcony twice, in the sink, in the toilet, out a window. I do give myself some credit, at times like those, for just saying no more.

I haven’t thrown any out lately however. When I need a little break from the struggle, I have rocketman hide it from me. Crazy, isn’t it? Is that textbook enabling or what? But it’s not his fault. He just wants me to be happy.

Back to having weed. When I first get some I feel such a sense of freedom. Like I will have the freedom to control my feelings and moods. Like I can relieve stress, boredom, anxiety, exhaustion, hopelessness. It never lasts. The feeling of freedom is quickly replaced by feeling controlled, powerless, ashamed, humiliated. Smoking makes that go away. Temporarily.

Eventually I run out. Eventually might be two months or two days. When I run out or toss it out, then I feel real freedom. To live my life again. And I don’t think much about pot for while. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. It depends.

Then I get back around to wanting some weed again. That’s where I am today.

**I came back later to change this post but decided to leave it as is and just add some thoughts. That part about how the cops wouldnt find me stoned with my kids watching cartoons and eating cheetos? What a load of bullshit. I mean, it’s true but what the fuck was the point of that sanctimonious crap? To make myself feel better that my kids don’t even watch cartoons or TV at all really except on Sunday mornings.

“There, I did it again with the high and mighty crap. What the fuck?”

“Here it is, THIS is what I am trying to say: taking care of three kids is a lot harder when you don’t park them in front of a TV or a computer or video game.”

‘So let me get this straight. I am to be commended for not letting my kids watch TV??!! Never mind that I am HIGH while they are outside digging for “Indian clay.”’

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I have multiple personalities.

What I was trying to convey is what things look like in my house. My kids aren’t being neglected unless of course it’s benign neglect and that’s a whole different issue. I don’t act or appear stoned. I don’t think any of my neighbors have a clue when I am high. I’ve had friends over who I don’t think have any idea that I’ve had a toke. It’s not an outwardly extreme situation going on here. I have two Master’s degrees for chrissake. Not that any of that makes it right. Not at all.

Maybe I am trying to convince myself that it’s not such a big deal to have a toke while my kids are at home.

Why anybody would want to read this crap is beyond me. I reread and think this is such drivel. Is that a real word? Guess I am trying to work shit out here. Out loud, unfortunately for you people. But clearly you don’t have to be reading this. Some of you are just rubbernecking in cyberspace, I guess. I know, some of you actually care about me.

Ugh. Now do you have a sense of why I smoke weed? So I can TURN IT OFF. With one puff I can turn off the chatter, the blathering, the criticism, the second-guessing, the hypothesizing, the rationalizing, the catastrophizing, the negafuckingtivity. It never, ever stops. Except.

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~ by complicatedmama on January 27, 2009.

11 Responses to “blah, blah, blah”

  1. I have been there and, believe me, every single word you just typed…including the ones you went back and re-typed, make perfect, total and complete sense to me. I find your honesty so unbelievably refreshing. Whatever you do, please keep talking about it. Thank you.

  2. Look you know where I’m coming from so you can tell me to go eff myself but this is my deal/ my story:

    Ounce for ounce I didn’t drink a lot of alcohol.

    My life became unmangeable because no matter how minute the amount of alcohol that entered my system it would start the crazy cycle of everything is ok:everything sucks:all of you suck:i suck:i want to die and then I drink some more and everything is ok (repeat ad mauseum)

    Constantly thinking about the next drink? yes absolutely.

    Throwing out my bottles and pills? yep that too.

    I was in Ivy League graduate school when I bottomed out and crawled my ass into AA.I sat next to strung out crack addicts out of jail and lawyers mandated by their HR person to go. I count many people from these two groups as my closest friends.

    It took two years of AA, therapy and medication to TURN IT OFF. And when I went through infertility I had to double up on it all to TURN IT DOWN. Not even OFF. But even on low volume, my life is better.

    Only you can decide for you what is happening and what you want to do about it. I am here for anything and everything. In fact, I’m going to start a series of posts about my addiction. I’ll let you know when they’re published. this is my story and my path. Not a judgement or assvice for you.

  3. Does writing it down help?

    Offering my support to you.

  4. i get it

  5. (delurking) I think I feel most sad that you beat yourself up so badly for the pot use. I suppose it’s all in how we individually see things. I harbor no guilt or shame, and yet others castigate themselves for use. Most people have their release item. Some eat. Some drink. Some smoke. Some veg in front of the TV. Some spend money. We all have something that gives us that little push to let go. If you hate what you are doing, then certainly change might help you feel better about yourself. But if really, truly, you’re kinda OK about smoking weed and only feel bad cuz you think other Mamas or parents would judge you poorly, well.. I won’t. And I’m not the only one.

  6. nyc phoenix-how do i get to your blog?

  7. get your ass to therapy. even if it is in 6 weeks. make the appointment. make the commitment to yourself to do it. have rocketman help you do it like he helps you hide the pot. i love you. call your doctor about anti anxiety meds. i don’t think you can do the work you need to do in therapy without them. you are living in a traumatized state ALL the time, and you have ever since i have known you. i love you so much. you really have no idea how much i love you, what you mean to me, how smart, dark-in-a-good-way and beautiful and FUNNY you are. being honest with yourself is different than being mean to yourself. if you really look, you will see all of the light too. and the dark isn’t so dark when the light is there too. i love you. and i love this quote from elizabeth gilbert when she finds her inner strength/love/god: “I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.”

  8. charlotte- woah. and thank you.

  9. What you describe is exactly why Idecided to never try pot in the first palce. We sound so much alike- the criticism, especially the self-criticism and the non-stop thought process. Somedays, I would give anything for that to stop, but I had the benefit of growing up arond way too many people with substance abuse problems. So I just saw how easy it could be to get where they were, and I didn’t want to do anything that might help me on a road that I was already scared that I was doomed to be on anyway.If i ever tried it, I just know what it would be hard to ever want to give up that opportunity to just give *it* a rest.
    The point is, I totally understand what you are saying. frankly, I think most of us have something comprable- if it is that we sneak breaks by looking at crap on the internet. Don’t be so hard on yourself, and thank you so much for sharing.

  10. Just wanted to say I am reading this and I am sorry you are having such a difficult time.

  11. (brand new reader….do you even read comments from old posts??) I’m with you on the pot thing. It’s called managed addiction. When I have pot in my possession I will smoke it everyday. Then I’ll get tired of the addiction and throw it away, go for weeks, sometimes months with no pot. I started going to MA meetings. They suck. I don’t think they work because they are modeled after drug and alcohol addiction. I think marijuana addiction is different. Much different. Just wanted to say hi and not lurk. You seem cool. I wish I had some pot right now.

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